Iron Lantern writes:
You've got to be kidding me. This battle will be all over before you can say "Phasers on stun".
Against just about any other Trek crew, the Apes would have a good chance of taking this. Against the Voyager crew, the Apes win with zero mental effort. Even a 3-minute old Ape infant could beat Janeway in a battle of wits.
Against the TOS crew? The Apes get wasted like Jenna Bush after her tenth bottle of Budweiser.
We're talking about Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock here. Those guys liberate oppressed worlds before they've had their morning cup of coffee. To the crew of the NCC-1701, freeing the planet from a tyrannical regime of civilized apes is business as usual.
First off, what's to stop Kirk from cheating and calling the Enterprise for help? We're talking about the guy who cheated on the Kobayashi Maru test. If Kirk can cheat, he will. The Apes have no defense whatsoever against an orbital strike. The ship may be damaged, but it should have enough power to fire phasers and photon torpedoes. The Away Team can turn the entire opposing force to a smoldering crater without Kirk or Spock having to lift a finger.
Kirk and Spock have a huge mobility advantage if they're allowed to use the transporter. That means they'll be harder to track, and they won't have to run very much. Plus, they can always retreat to the Enterprise, which the Apes can't touch, especially if the Trekkers can raise shields.
Besides, if "Marky Mark" Wahlberg can lead a successful human revolt against the Apes, then Jim Kirk wins this singlehandedly. For starters, Kirk is way more charismatic. Given his infamous reputation as a ladies' man, Kirk will get half the planet's population on his side just by showing up. He's also got more tactical smarts than just about anybody short of Honor Harrington. Even if Kirk's phaser runs low on power, he's a good enough fighter to routinely beat Klingon warriors and Gorn captains in single combat. And if Kirk starts singing, the Apes will surrender just to get him to stop!
I haven't seen a beating like this since the Punisher went to France. Kirk saves the planet and beams out with a girl on each arm.
This battle will be a Star Trek victory despite the anti-Trek bias out there. It could be a close call. Now as to how it shall be done, I'll enlighten you. Let's take a little trip.......
Here we are in the brain of James Tiberius Kirk. Let's listen in on the thoughts of a stranded Starfleet professional...
"Stuck on some damn planet again... Earth huh?... don't look like Earth... too boring... must find a way... back to my ship... apes huh?... phasers kill apes, good... WAIT!... females located! beautiful half-naked savage women!!... must engage in combat to rip shirt... and get sweaty... that's better... WAIT!... strangely erotic chimp lady!!... xeno-fetish engaging... must side-track Spock... uh-huh... red shirt is dead... that was... faster than normal... must tell Spock... about plan to... seduce Chimp Lady... must drag out battle... savage cavewomen... exotic chimp women... yes... yes... who's the John Holmes packin' Diggler now Mark... NOOOO! going home??... encounter over??... NOOO!!! Almost had Chimp Lady... Damn you! Damn you all to hell!!!"
My first reaction was to vote for the apes. There's a whole planet of them, you know? But, then, I noticed something....
The away team does not have a red shirt. Not a single one. This means no cannon fodder when the shit hits the fan. Now, if you look at all the times when an away team as been at a disadvantage, you'll noticed that a red shirt is always jacked. Always. With no red shirt, there can be no proper "away team in trouble" scene. Thus, this will be an "away team rules ass" scene. Simple as that.
Pity those damn dirty apes. If it had been Janeway and her idiot farm, maybe they would've had a chance.
Dragoon T writes:
Okay..Maybe Star Trek always loses, but in this case it's the lesser of two evils. If anything, Kirk's Segmented Monlogues will cause the apes to commit suicide...
First a rebuttal to Miss Quinzele
Star trek always loses because they have the Next generation, DS9 & Voyager ultra pacifist's running around or have been grossly mismatched (Enterprise Vs Deathstat).
You have chosen the classic Kirk Enterprise. "Prime directive we don't need no stinking prime directive" & "We come in peace (shoot to kill)" come to mind. But following the standard script Kirk et al will be captured and imprisioned, Kirk will sway the lovely(?) ape princess to escape. It comes down to kirk vs Casear in the rink of doom. Kirk has managed to win against more fearsome creatures then a "Goddamm dirty ape" in a similar situation (eg klingons, gorn, tribbles). With a heroically ripped shirt Kirk defeats caesar and gives a speach on how all primates should live in peace. Of course the crowd goes ape for this.
Failing the speach it's time for force
Other members of the team; Spock can nerve pinch, McCoy can give injections. Scotty can teleport the ape army into the nearest ocean. and lets not forget sulu "I'm practicing to be a samuari" and checkov AKA MR BESTER on their side.
Finally when all else fails Weapons; The away team has phasers giving them an slight tactical advangage, But all kirk needs to do is orbital bombard with some photon torpedoes to win.
In summation Some monkeys are going to get spanked like a 3.75 year old in K-mart
Despite fact that Star Trek loses.
The Trek that loses is new Trek, we are talking about classic Trek.
No one beats classic Trek at this place. Three words: "Kirk and SPock." They shall grind the Apes into monkey meat for hungry Third World race type people.
Ahh man, the old Kirk-Spock-McCoy away team vs anything pretty much wins. I know, I know, the WWWF Grudge Matches always had ST lose, but think about it. Old episodes of ST where only Spock and Kirk are together and they build a nuclear reactor outta a tin can and some paper clips. What do the Apes have and what do the fantastic trio have? When it comes down to it, as good and nasty as the apes are, Kirk's gonna wow them with his amazing girdle that keeps his gut in, and his toupee is gonna scare the crap outta them. Then he'll seduce some chimp to his side and give him the inside dish on how to beat the apes and Spock will take his little phaser, jury-rig it into some huge super gun that'll blast all the apes into oblivion. Bones will then feel remorseful about all the deaths and say "Damnit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a veterenarian!" and it'll be the end of that tune. The Monkeys are gonna get spanked. Period.
Deep Sea Dolphin writes:
This is a rather lopsided battle. If you wanted it to be more fair it should've been Planet of the Apes vs. the fleas that live on the apes of Planet of the Apes. Then, maybe the apes would've had a one in a million chance of winning.
The Bunyip writes:
So what if Star Trek supposedly always loses? The Apes haven't ever had any real competition yet, so their wins don't really count. Charlton Heston escaped from the Apes with nothing but a loincloth, a primitive rifle and a monkey fetish. What's going to happen when Spock, annoyed with the incredibly logic-deficient society of the Apes, storms in with a Phaser and the Vulcan Monkey Spank?
Oh, by the way - the word is "loses" not "looses". The only thing that's going to be loosed here is a photon torpedo barrage when Kirk finds out that these monkeys are abusing all his women. If Kirk is willing to travel back in time for Joan Collins, do you think a bunch of hairy pre-industrial apes are going to stand a chance? Even Red-shirted Ensigns and Stormtroopers could win this one.
Stormed Trooper writes:
First off I feel that I must point out that this is not WWWF Grudge Match, this is CBUB. Second with Spock, Kirk, and McCoy along the Away Team can't lose.
1. The Away team has hand held phasers, phaser rifles, and big artillary phasers. The Apes don't. The apes have Generals, Scientists, and Politicians, as well as lots and lot of soldiers armed with swords, and various sharp objects.
+2 Away team
2. The Away team has 3 count em, 3 main characters on it, not to mention an inexhaustable supply of idiotic red shirted ensigns. The apes have lots of soldiers, but not an inexhaustable supply and only one General.
+1 Away team
3. The Away team has the Enterprises transporter system now ya see them, now their gone. The Apes walk or drive I'm really not sure.
+3 Away team
4. The Away team has at least 1 alien on it, Spock, Spock is the calm voice of reason. The Apes have the General, he is bigoted and likes killing things.
+1 Away Team
5. The Away team doesn't know it's in trouble, the Apes know that they're on their planet.
Away team 7 Apes 4
Cripes, people, did anyone see this movie? Sure, the apes are big, strong, fast and kick some ass. But they're still as primitive as a bunch of monkeys.
Marky Mark would have gone house on the whole damn army if that she-ape hadn't destroyed his laser gun. What the hell are they going to do against a full away team each with their own phaser set to "Bad Monkey!!!"?
Monkeys are going down faster than a cheap stripper on a banana.
Well, I think it is safe to say that if this were any other Federation captain, then Star Trek would loose very quickly before the ruthlesenss and organizational skills of the apes, who have literally banded together to kill all humans (and in this case, probably Vulcans too).
Now, we can assume in the initial contact that Kirk and Company will try to make peaceful contact with the apes. They will fail, and the result will be the loss of the Red Shirted ensign. However, Kirk has gotten out of worse situations and will be able to escape and make it back to the Enterprise. Heck, the apes cannot block transporters, so right there Kirk can easily beam in with a team of Federation marines and capture whoever passes for the leader in a single strike. A few Vulcan kneck pinches on some ape guards and some fast moves by Kirk and he will be out of there.
Now, sooner or later, you have to compare what would happen when the apes mobilize for a final confrontation. Well, phasers have an incredible range superiority over the standard issue weaponary used by the apes. If they can secure a tactically fortified position, and force the apes to charge them, they can pick off massive numbers of attacking apes before the apes even reach Kirk's position.
Also, Kirk has taught races intellectually inferior to the humans of the planet of the apes how to fight, and how to fight effectivly. He can organize them quite effectivly against the apes, thus giving him much needed reinforcements, even if he, for some reason or another, cannot make contact with his ship.
Also, it has been stated that a hundred Federation officers with phasers could probably conquer the known world in its current form, or at least defeat the combined armies of the world in straight forward combat. Now, since Apes are just apes and have no other ability other than to simply charge the Federation forces, should Kirk be able to rally that many, than the apes will loose, or suffer too great of losses for them to continue their rule over humans.
While I have seen both the original PotA and the new version, and enjoyed both immensely, I would have to give my vote to Star Trek. This is the original crew of TOS Star Trek, with Kirk at the helm. While the PotA can seemingly defeat any astronaut from either the 20th or 21st century they would never defeat Kirk, Spock, and McCoy. It's a rule of thumb, this trio will never succumb to a planet full of apes. I don't care what Quinn has to say about Trek always losing, maybe other trek shows but the Original! That's a load of bull. Kirk, Spock, and McCoy always find a way out of every predicament that comes by, including anything swinging from trees!
Borneo Jimmy writes:
Let's see: a transformed, dystopic Earth that harbors a terrible secret that reflects on late-20th-century political issues...Come on, Planet of the Apes is just another episode for first-generation Star Trek. It's practically their home turf.
The episode will, in fact, closely parallel the movie. The away team beams down into the jungle and encounters suspicious, but ultimately peaceful savage humans. Kirk exchanges lingering glances with a beautiful savage, but the romantic moment is cut short by the arrival of an ape hunting party. The red-shirted ensigns fall to the hunters, along with various savages; Spock and McCoy wisely strip the bodies of their phasers and tricorders to keep the Treknology out of ape hands. Kirk is captured and given to gentle chimp scientists to study; when his injured throat heals, he makes a halting speech about what it means to be human, impressing the hell out of the chimps.
Then the plot diverges from the film. Bones and Spock, who have been hiding in the jungle, break through the cell wall with phasers and free the captain, who whacks a gorilla guard with his double-fist-over-the-back move. The three are beamed up, and at the height of a ceremony when the beautiful savage girl is about to be sacrificed the Enterprise will beam her and Dr. Zaius up to the bridge, wowing him with Treknology, thoroughly converting him to an egalitarian ape-human political philosophy, and beaming him back home as the prophet of a new Kirkianism.
::party beams down::
Kirk: You two in the red shirts, go that way, Spock and Bones, you're with me.
Security Guys: goshdarnit...(they trudge away to their doom. Just then, three Gorilla warriors come around the corner.)
Gorilla Guy One: Halt! Where did you humans come from and why are you dressed so gay?
Kirk: Gay will you?!? Spock, Bones, analysis.
Spock: Well, sir, they appear to be highly evolved primates wearing Klingon armor.
McCoy: Jim, I'm a Doctor, not a simian fashion critic.
Gorilla Guy One: Enough of your prattle! (nods to other two) Capture these gay humans at once.
Kirk:(highly aggrivated at the gay remark) Now see here! I have slept with hundreds of thousands of different females from as many races and I...
(Spock clears his throat and raises his eyebrow)
Kirk:...um, I mean, recomendations men?
Spock: Captain, while normally I detest violence, I think perhaps this time the "kill" setting is in order.
McCoy: Well, they don't smell near as bad as Klingons, but hell, I think they might be the results of some..um...dangerous Klingon cloning experiments! Yeah, that's the ticket...er, um, my proffesional medical opinion I mean.
Kirk:Sounds good to me.
(Gorilla Guys charge at them, Kirk, Spock, and McCoy all fire phasers and disentigrate them)
Kirk: Well Bones?
McCoy: They're vaporized, Jim.
(just then a chimp female comes around the corner, cowering. Kirk puts his phaser away and hold his hands up.)
Kirk:We come in piece. I mean you know harm. Come, I will show you my our...um...friendship ritual.(Winks at Spock who rolls his eyes) I'll be back in five gentlemen.....
Big scary monkeys... dude with funny ears... bis scary monkeys... dude with funny ears... its kinda hard to decide, unless you factor in the fact that said big scary monkeys can effectively rip your average human limb by limb with their bare hands, and lack the sensibility to stand by and let you talk about interstellar peace and cooperation. Yep, no ammount of ripped shirt Captain Kirk badd-assitude is gonna save them from human-hating big scary monkeys.
Needless to say, save for the RAGE(TM), I really dislike the Star Trek Always Loses (TM) clause of WWWF, in addition to the French Always Loses (TM) clause. I mean, seriously! Anyway, Away Team has phrasers. No amount of ape armor can withstand that.
Der UBERGEEK writes:
Our neo-Nazi primates have two strikes against them right off the bat:
1. Weaponry: Even with the Enterprise out of commission, Kirk and Co. would still be able to wield an array of hand-held phasers, transporters,and Spock's patented Vulcan Fu(tm) against the Apes' extensive armory of much shorter-ranged swords, spears, etc. Hell, just beam Spock to a spot right behind the Ape CO, give him a second for the Vulcan Neck-Bench, beam him back, and there's your battle.
2. Tactics: The Apes were thrown for a loop by the tactical problem of advancing on a trashed spacecraft which, admittedly, did spew a nasty-looking fireball in ONE DIRECTION. Any halfway-decent human tactician will tell you that if your force is threatened by a large, stationary weapon (e.g. the Maginot Line in WWII), GO AROUND IT!
Conclusion: After roughly a half-hour of Neck-Benches(tm), surprise phaser barrages, and a decent number of Redshirt casualties, the Away Team has the evolutionary record set straight.
The whole Planet of the Apes scenario was made for Star Trek. You have a bunch of goofy-looking humanoids oppressing a slave race of scantily cald homo sapiens who are just waiting for Kirk and Spock to beam down and teach those nasty apes a lesson in progressive humanist values, circa 1968 (meanwhile they’ve got two foxy babes, one of each species, for Jimmy T. to shag). And hile the fact that the Planet of the Apes in Tim Burton’s remake is NOT Earth, and that the apes do not have warp capability would place Ape civilization under the protection of the Federation’s Prime Directive, technically forbidding Kirk and company to meddle in their social order, something tells me that Kirk has never actually stopped to read that xeroxed copy of the Prime Directive they have taped next to the coffee pot in the USS Enterprise’s break room (you know, right up there with the poster that says “Prevent Teleportation Accidents: Practice Proper Transporter Safety”). So rest assured, within an hour of their arrival (give or take fifteen minutes for commercials), Kirk and Spock will be warping away to the bossa-nova beat of the Star Trek theme, having taught those filthy apes and scruffy humans how to live in harmony. Victory: Star Trek…
Or is it?
The problem with Star Trek, you see, is that they rarely – if ever – go back to check on the progress of the civilizations they “fix”. If the real-world attempts of former President Clinton to broker a peace treaties between Israel and Palestine are any indicator, you can bet that - no matter what they said about respecting each other’s rights when Kirk was present - those apes and humans will be back at it as soon as the Federation’s back is turned. Only now, the Apes will have witnessed the power of Federation technology and will work tirelessly day and night to create their own phasers and starships. And once they do, it doesn’t take much imagination to see them going on a serious interplanetary rampage. Considering how much more evolved Burton’s apes are than any classic Star Trek species (just look at that makeup!), there’s no doubt in my mind that, once equipped with Federation tech, the Apes won’t have any trouble conquering the Romulans, Klingons, Gorn, Andorians, Tellarties, and any other 23rd-century cheezoids they come up against. Maybe they won’t take over the Federation (not even the Borg could do that), but they’ll be the only bad guys left when TNG rolls around.
Victory: The Interplanetary Ape Empire
The benevolent one says it's Trek! Why? Simply put, I am a trekker (Not TREKKIE thank you) and I just couldn't stand to see Spock lobotimized by a big monkey. First off you have the superior intellect of Spock in the favor of the away team. That is hardly matched by the horny chimp broad, the Gorilla with the big hat, or the psycho chimp general. Now it has been demonstrated before that Spock can build a laser out of a light bulb and a subcutaneous transponder. This was while being held captive also. Secondly if Marky mark can fare well...well come on folks! Marky mark??? Ok, this isn't even taking into consideration that Kirk will probably be there on the away team also. And as every one knows if Kirk can't fight his way out of a tight spot he certainly can screw his way into (then out of) that tight spot. We have all seen Kirk's flings and know he would have no issue with knockin boots with a monkey. Lets not forget Kirk's convenient memory lapses when the prime directive is concerned! Kirk would mosey on into Ape city and totally ruin thier entire way of life just like he did on all those other planets. We must also take into consideration Kirk's weaknesses. The POA has several of them, these being scantily clad human women running around in the jungle. Do you think for a minute that he would allow the Apes to have all the fun chasing those loincloths huh? Right, ol Jimbo wouldn't stand for it. If it's the good ol classic Trek away team I would have to go with Trek over the Apes. if we were talking the other three shows well I would have to go with the Apes. I sure wouldn't mind chasing janeway through the jungle "snicker".
Well, I actually think the Apes should win, but the reason I voted for Star Trek is this.
At the start of the battle all the redshirts will go down as fast as stormtroopers against ewoks (you know how fast that is, damn dirty, ewoks). But just when the ape army comes in for the final swoop the remnants of the trek team (Kirk, Spock, and McCoy and any ensign smart enough to have traded for a non-red shirt)will get reinforcements. That's right! Charlton Heston will lead a army of NRA members onto the battlefield. Heston will be a little bit POed about them butchering a classic he starred in. The crackshots of the NRA pretty much slaughter the apes. Heston will spot Walberg hiding behind a boulder and proceed to beat him with a cattle prod. Then we get the enjoyment of seeing Callisto roast (literally) a certain director we need not mention.