Dr. Doom vs. Magneto
THE ORIGINAL SPORTS CAST
Callisto: Well, Clown Girl, that was pretty sneaky of you to nullify my amazing Goddess-like powers and have me abducted by James T. Kirk for use as his personal love slave on board the Enterprise. (Editors Note: See the now classic CBUB Issue 145: Planet of the Apes vs. Star Trek Away Team). Dear, you must have known I'd catch up to you sooner or later. Such behavior can't go unpunished.
Quinn: Yeah well... so why am I tied to this chair again?
Callisto: We haven't gotten to that part yet. Oops! But put on a big smile, Clown Girl... Our broadcast is about to go live.
Callisto: ... Hello! And welcome once again to another great edition of battles from the city of Khazan - the Nexus of all Realities! We have a great match-up for you today with those two world shaking villains Dr. Doom and Magneto! I am your host, Callisto, and to my left, it's Clown Girl.
Quinn: Yeah, hi everybody. And I'm Harley Quinn tied to a chair, here. What fun!
Callisto: We'll be back to start our game in a moment... but first, let's see what you folks at home had to say about this match.
Quinn: Wow! The mailbag really overflowed this week. M'kay, Psycho Barbie... why am I tied to a chair?
Callisto: Well, Clown Girl, since you robbed me of my powers and left me in the lecherous care of James Kirk, it seems only fair I return the favor. So, you are our first contestant on our hip new show The Super Dating Game!!!
Quinn: Super Dating Game?
Callisto: Yes, that's right... and let's look at today's contestants! Two lonely conquerors who need to give up the Mad and get into bed, if you know what I mean.
Quinn: Oh, no.
Callisto: Oh yes! Lets look over our eligible bachelors, hmmm Clown Girl? For security purposes we've had them put into God-Proof holding cells, but that's not going to stop them from getting to your heart! In cell one - he's a bachelor, he has his own country and he has his own Anti-Human mutant resistance movement! Lets say hello to Magnus!
Magneto: Wench! You'll pay for this!
Callisto: And in cell two - he's a bachelor, he also has his own country and he aspires to rule the Universe! Let's say hello to Victor!
Dr. Doom: How dare you place Doom in a cage. You will feel my wrath!
Callisto: Now, now boys... save the passion for the honeymoon.
Quinn: Cally, look, I'm really, really sorry about what I did...
Callisto: Ooopsy, too late for that Clown Girl. Now let's play our game. Bachelor number two, you get the first question. You're at a restaurant with your date. Do you let her order for herself or do you order for both of you?
Dr. Doom: Doom will not be interrogated. Release me immediately!!
Callisto: Ohhhhh... that's the WRONG attitude, Victor. Guess we'll have to introduce Bachelor number one and two to The Shock Treatment!
The Shock Treatment: ZZZZZZAAAAAPPPP!!!!!
Dr. Doom and Magneto: AHHHHHAAHHHHHH! BITCH!!
Quinn: Cally, you're really going out of your way to make powerful enemies, here.
Callisto: Ah, it's all in good fun. Now, Bachelor number two, we return to the question.
Dr. Doom: Bah! What do I care what the woman orders. Let her eat cake.
Callisto: And to you bachelor number one - do you order for your date or let her order herself?
Magneto: Well, if it is a restaurant I am familiar with, I will order for my lady from their finest entrees. If she likes it not, I will have it sent back and the chef will cook anything her heart desires... or the chef will deal with me.
Quinn: Awwww... how gallant.
Dr. Doom: All females enjoy being controlled.
Callisto: Bachelor number two, what would you bring a woman as a present on your first date?
Dr. Doom: Assuming I found a woman worthy of Doom? I would bring her the planet and every citizen upon it. They would scrape and bow at her every command. And we would crush our enemies together!
Callisto: Bachelor number one - same question.
Magneto: Upon the first date a woman would doubtless know of my reputation. Gifts from a wealthy man have little meaning. I would give her a rose to show my intent is true. My arm, so she knows she is protected at my side. And my full attention, so she knows I am thinking of no other.
Quinn: Awwww... that's sweet.
Dr. Doom: You would prefer a rose to the planet?
Magneto: Doom, you just don't understand women.
Dr. Doom: Do not lecture me on the ways of love, cur!
Shock Treatment: ZZZZAAAAPPP!!!
Dr. Doom and Magneto: AHHHHH. #@%**!!!!!!!
Callisto: Now, bachelor number one, what is your idea of the perfect date?
Magneto: After a carefully prepared meal, served by candles and moonlight on the beach, I would take my lady's hand and fly her over the earth, viewing the moon and stars and all beneath their silvery gaze.
Quinn: That's soooo romantic!
Callisto: Bachelor number two - same quesation.
Dr. Doom: Bah! I'll participate no further in this charade. Let the fawning brat enjoy a night with bucket head. I demand you end this and release me!
Callisto: Well, we're almost out of time on our game for today. Now Clown Girl - choose an eligible bachelor or be thrown into a lagoon of hungry piranha.
Quinn: Well, Bachelor number two is kind'a a sour puss. So, I'll choose bachelor number one.
Callisto: Clown Girl has chosen Magneto! He's today's winning bachelor who gets an all expenses paid vacation with Clown Girl!
Callisto: And for our LOSER Dr. Doom, he gets a year supply of turtle wax and some rice-a-roni, the San Francisco treat!
Dr. Doom: ENOUGH! This mockery ends now!
God-Proof Cell: KA-BLOOOM!
Dr. Doom: I am Free! Did you think you could hold me with your pathetic technology? Did you think I could be defeated by pathetic Magneto?
Quinn: er... hey... whadda you doin? Let go of me!
Dr. Doom: Come here, child. Doom will teach you what love is, and you will learn to like what I teach. Magnus... enjoy your Rice-a-Roni for Doom wins this day. Away we fly!
Callisto: *sniff* *sniff* True love at last. Buh-bye, Clown Girl.
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"Magneto" is the property of Marvel.
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