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How to Not be a Jerk at McDonald's
Well, if there's one thing I've learned from working at a McDonald's for the last few weeks, it's that people are massive jerks. As such, I've decided to provide you with a handy-dandy little guide on how to not be a complete imbecile when you go to a McDonald's.
1. KNOW WHAT YOU WANT BEFORE YOU START CROWDING THE COUNTER
The people working the front counter registers have several jobs, but one primary function: to get people in and out of line as quickly as possible. People who walk up to the counter with no idea what they want are a great way to completely derail this goal. Each order is supposed to be taken in under a minute unless it's an exceptionally complicated one. So, please, if you don't know what you want, then stand back and let somebody else order.
2. ORDER EVERYTHING YOU WANT AT THE SAME TIME
This one irks me more than any other thing on this list. DO NOT TRY TO CHANGE YOUR ORDER AFTER YOU'VE ALREADY PLACED IT. The order taking system is mostly computer-based. The folks working grill get an order and immediately start working on it, so if you suddenly decide that you don't want onions on your Quarter Pounder, then in all likelihood, it'll have to be completely remade and we'll have to throw the original sandwich out. In other words, we may as well be throwing away literal money. In short, for the love of God, say you don't want salt on your fries while you're still ordering.
3. DON'T THROW OUT CIGARETTE BUTTS/STRAW WRAPPERS/GUM/ETCETERA IN THE PARKING LOT
You probably don't realize this, but there's actually a lot of effort put into trying to portray McDonald's as being exceptionally clean both inside and out. When I get into work, the first thing I do after I punch in is sweeping the lot. In other words, I go around the entire property with a broom and dustpan and pick up any garbage I see on the ground. The most common things I see? Cigarette butts and straw wrappers. But, honestly, I never really know what I'm going to find laying around. I do know that it will consistently be unpleasant, though. So please, do me and my fellow McDonald's employees a favor: throw your trash away where it's supposed to go.
4. DON'T OVER-COMPLICATE THINGS
You don't like mustard? Hey, I get that. It's cool. Just a press of a button and voila, no mustard on your burger. That sort of thing is fine. What isn't cool is trying to get a McDouble with a billion different things added to it. Sure, it's a minor inconvenience, but it still means your order taker has hunt down whatever it is you want in the computer program and add it. Then the people working grill have to waste extra time making it. So, please, KISS your order ("Keep It Simple, Stupid").
5. DON'T BE A WHINY %&$#! ABOUT PRICES
We have no control over prices. That's corporate's problem. Take it up with them. If you don't like how much something costs, go eat somewhere else. There is absolutely nothing we can do about that.
6. DON'T BE A WHINY %&$#! ABOUT MISTAKES
We're only human. Sometimes, we screw up. Sometimes, you get pickle on your Big Mac when you didn't want any. It's okay. Just calmly go up to the counter and politely ask for a new one. We would be happy to fix it. Yes, we lost money, but it's our fault, so you're in the clear. As long as you're cool about it, then it's all good. What isn't alright is acting like a crybaby just because you were inconvenienced a little bit. Don't be that guy. That guy is a moron.
7. DON'T BE A WHINY %&$#! IN GENERAL
You know what? Just a general rule: don't get all up in arms about anything that happens in a McDonald's. It's not that big of a deal. If someone is a jerk to you, just take it up with a manager. If a manager is a jerk to you, take it up with the owner. There's always somebody higher up on the food chain. Had to wait longer than you'd have liked to? You're an adult, friggin' act like it. Anything I missed? DEAL WITH IT. WE ARE NOT PERFECT. We're trying our best here, but people acting like imbeciles make us a lot less willing to help you out.
8. DON'T HOLD UP THE DRIVE-THRU
The drive-thru is meant to be fast. As fast as possible, in fact. Don't mess around. Don't be flippant. Don't do anything that might potentially hold up the place. That's just not cool. Do us all a favor and help keep things moving. If you need a minute to decide what you want, that's one thing. But don't do anything stupid.
9. CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF
Nobody expects you to do a full cleaning. But at the very least throw away your trash and try to clean any spills. Just as a common courtesy. Yes, it's our job to clean the lobby. That isn't an excuse to trash the place.
10. HELP US HELP YOU
Speak clearly and concisely and loud enough that we can hear you. Try to keep things moving. Just be polite and everything'll be fine. Nobody wants any trouble.
And that, more or less, is how to not be a jerk at McDonald's. In short, just be nice. Or better yet, don't eat at McDonald's. Seriously. Even I don't know where that stuff has been.
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