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Sir Exal

CBUB Match Judges
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Everything posted by Sir Exal

  1. For what it's worth, Soberguy, I remember Mme. Papillion.
  2. This is the second time I've had reason to cite Lianne on this board. Keep it up. I believe Utopia was part of that too.
  3. Personally, I'm pretentious and long-winded, so my characters tend to be longer than they might should be. It's just a matter of saying what you want to say in as many words as it takes to say it.
  4. I'm glad you asked. The worst movie I have ever seen, without a doubt, is Tokyo Zombie. The movie is a alleged comedy about two friends who, when an enormous pile of refuse near their living space starts spewing zombies, try to run. The few early fight scenes are dragging snorefests that are duller than anything involving the term "zombie jujitsu" have any right to be. The two main characters have a few awkward, moronic conversations and drive around until one of them is bitten by one of the zombies and left to die. At this point the movie actually gives up on that plot and starts an entire 'nother one, where the main character attempts to arena battle for life in a post-apocalyptic metropolis while beset by a nagging wife. Naturally, he has to fight his zombified old friend and mentor. After he kills him in a dull Fist of the North Star reference, he escapes from the metropolis by hiring another man with snack foods to shoot feces and urine out of a Gatling gun at the ruling elite. And oh yeah, the other guy had been bitten by dentures, so he wasn't really zombified and he's not dead. The movie's plot is facile nonsense, the characters possess not an iota of likability, and it's humor is scatological, juvenile, moronic and at times just perverted and wrong. There is exactly one funny scene in the movie, in which two girls politely ask a passing businessman for money; when he points out it isn't New Year's, one of the girls remembers something, digs in her purse, extracts a knife, and repeats the request with equal amity. This movie is unfunny, uninteresting, and in sum, fails at everything it attempts to do, including being 88 minutes long, as I kept it on Fastforward for most of it, simply reading the subtitles.
  5. Sir Exal

    Video Games

    Funny you should mention that...
  6. Hmm, another overreacting Argentinian. This should be fun. Seriously, welcome to the community.
  7. One word, dude: Library. Many libraries now have entire graphic novel sections, to say nothing of the young adult sections that usually have manga and graphic novels interspaced with them. Library collections not only allow you to see all sorts of collected comic books, but many will have large, more literary graphic novels you usually wouldn't give a second glance to on your way to Cable & Deadpool, like Black Hole, the Action Philosphers series, and the works of Allison Bechdel, just to name a few without thinking. And you get to take them home and read them without paying a cent!
  8. [Night] The Wind-Up Bird was a place that one went to for atmosphere more than refreshment. It sat unassumingly at the edge of the city. A few fluorescents gave the establishment the glow of twilight, and battery-powered lamps on the tables barely illuminated the booth or table they sat on. The Wind-Up Bird was named after a large mechanical blue jay hanging from the center of the ceiling, wings outstretched as if flying to some invisible perch in one of the corners. A brass turnkey emerged from the jay’s back, like one from some ancient toy, and when there wasn’t some event occurring on the humble stage in the back of the bar, the key turned steadily, the mechanism humming soothingly. Neimi had wondered what the bird had to do with anything, and why the key would move at all on the otherwise motionless bird, but never inquired for feear of humiliating someone. The humming comforted her in any case. Neimi entered The Wind-Up Bird and ordered a shot of Southern Comfort before she even sat down, and downed it in one gulp when it was served to her. Neimi liked being drunk--she liked not feeling where her hands were, liked her inhibitions drifting slowly away, and, most importantly she had never been Inspired while the least bit inebriated. She didn’t drink too often, however--her father had been an alcoholic, a violent alcoholic, and she knew that that put her in danger of becoming one herself. So she held off on the drinking, The Wind-Up Bird being the sole oasis of alcohol. Jo came and sat down, her head alien-like in the dull light, with shortly after Neimi had ordered some fruit-flavored drink for her second round. “D’ja see the cat outside?” asked Jo. Neimi shook her head. “Thing was just starin’ right at me for some reason. Then I took a step towards it and it vanished into the alley, like, poof!” Neimi smiled. She liked cats; she had one as a child her mother had given the odd name of Irena. When the cat had to be put to sleep due to kidney failure, her mother had told the quite young Neimi that Irena had “left them” and “gone away.” This unfortunate word choice led to Neimi somehow reaching the conclusion Irena had transmogrified into a human and moved out, which in turn led to several months of Neimi studying the mail and waiting by the phone for Irena to check back in with her. Jo began chatting about whatever was going on in her life. Neimi listened happily as the pianist played a rendition of “In a Matter of Speaking.” This was one of the reasons they could be such friends; Jo was happy to dominate a conversation and Neimi was happy to let her talk. Somehow--probably because Jo was watching that guy across the bar who was not paying much attention to the girl he was with--Jo asked how Neimi’s boyfriend was. And for a moment, Neimi wasn’t sure how to answer. Her boyfriend was…was an entity, was a voice on her cell and a form coming to her, holding her and being inside her for afternoons together. They had only truly gone out a few times, but still…still she could feel how much he cared for her. “He’s great,” Neimi said.
  9. Neimi could feel her body filling with energy, like it was preparing to explode. She could see her skin start to glow with the power beneath it. She grabbed her cell phone out of her pocket and slammed her thumb on the number 2. Her vision was already clouding as the speed-dial activated, her fingers quivering regardless of her will, the blue shimmer visible through her black jeans. She put the phone to her ear and it rang once, then, before even a salutation, as Neimi’s vision went away, she heard, “Write about that new friend of yours!” And then she was back. Neimi’s hand ached and she had the usual feeling of sudden airsickness. She looked at the notebook in her hand, just noticing it, then bent down and picked up her glasses from where they had tumbled to the floor. She flipped briefly through the pages of the notebook, finding the newest point she had started in. She sat down--apparently her Inspired form hadn’t felt any need to sit, and her feet hurt. Briefly, Neimi looked at her cell to check the time. It wasn’t late, fortunately--she hadn’t been Inspired for more than a half-hour. With nothing better to do, she decided to read the most recent product of her Inspiration. My ‘new friend’s’ name is Jo. Actually, it’s Aoi, but she says she prefers Jo. I can’t say I mind much; it’s easier to say. She has a boyish figure, similar to mine, although she is several inches taller than I am, pale skin, and large gray eyes. Her hair is black, but she wears it in a buzz cut that paired with her pale scalp, makes it almost look silver. I have asked her about her hair, as she has said many people have asked before. She just likes it like that, apparently. I can hardly argue--I myself dyed my hair pink in college. She also says she wears a wig if she is going out and does not feel like being gawked at, but… Neimi flipped a few pages, past the physical descriptions of Jo. While Inspired, Neimi certainly was long-winded. It was interesting the feeling she got when she read her own writing. She didn’t remember writing it, of course, but it seemed familiar. Like a novel one has read, and then re-read years later. Neimi skimmed through the latest entry in her Encyclopedia Insanica. After she had finished describing Jo, there were pages describing how they had met. Jo worked at the same bank that Neimi did; they both were data-entry workers. Data entry was the kind of job where Neimi could be in a room of her own, where no one would notice if she suddenly started glowing and stopped working to fill a notebook with writing. Neimi had just left work when she was accosted by Jeff, another employee of the bank (Neimi had written, in far too many words). Jeff cornered her and was coming on to her, aggressively coming on to her. Neimi had been afraid, and then Jo showed up. Jo had chased him away with a few well-chosen yells. Jo had introduced herself. Neimi had seen her around work, how could she miss the girl with the buzz cut, but never known her name. A year ago, Neimi would have just muttered a thank-you and run, but since she had met her boyfriend, the man who had lent…guidance in her life… She had stayed, shyly introduced herself. They had been friends since. Neimi closed her notebook and threw it onto one of the piles of notebooks around her apartment. She thought for a second that she thought some of her notebooks had gone missing recently, but dismissed it. Later, Neimi planned to go out with Jo to her favorite jazz bar, a small place called The Wind-Up Bird. But for now, Neimi opened a window and looked to the street far below. She took a breath of fresh air and sighed wistfully. It was a shame her boyfriend had another one of his business meetings; she could really use another one of their afternoons together.
  10. Name: Neimi Apollo Age: 23 Description: You remembered her. You didn't think about her actively or anything like that, but you remembered her. The girl who sat next to you in Sophomore Bio. Your surnames were next to each other in the alphabet, appearently, but you never remembered hers. The girl, dressed in gothwear, clad in black with chains bridging the odd places on her oversized pants. The nails on her pale, tiny fingers painted black. And yet her face was free of makeup, her hair without dye. Her circular face, wireframe glasses perched halfway down her nose in your memory, and medium-length, mouse-brown hair. No Dragon Tattoo shit there. She was shorter than you, you remember, but an average size for a girl. Slight. Waifish. Yes, you remembered Neimi. She hadn't changed a bit when she showed up at your apartment door. History: She was the girl you remembered for the folder full of Jhonen Vasquez and other dark comic books that you read over her shoulder. You saw her draw, a unique, scratch-like style. You remember seeing one of her projects on another class's wall. An entire story, done in German. It fit a meter. It rhymed. And--you remembered her filling an entire college-ruled notebook page with nothing but her writing in the space of five minutes, nothing but her thoughts and random lines from the comic she was reading. Neimi stops you before you enter your apartment building late at night. Tells you who she is, although you remember. Of course you remember. And she says she needs help, to come to her apartment building. You pause, thinking that this might be a trick, but you look at her and dismiss the suspicion, the absurd suspicion. You only ask, "Why me?" and she says she found a yearbook, and that you were the first person she recognized. Ah, fate. She takes you across town, to her apartment, and no sooner has she turned on the light, a bare bulb over the room. Every wall is covered with writing. Black, scratchy writing you can easily identify as Neimi's. The writing covers any flat surface, every cabinet, ever counter, the refrigerator, the windows, even the peaked ceiling has long, unsure writing on it. And in every corner are notebooks, piles and piles of notebooks. You pick one up, flip through it, knowing what you will find--page after page after page of Neimi's handwriting. Neimi picks up a scrap of newspaper. She hands it to you. It is simply the facts of a bizarre situation in one of the alleys of the city one night. A blinding blue light emitted from the alley, and when police arrived five minutes later, they found two men--muggers, from their possessions--killed, and written in some black, indelible ink on the walls and dumpsters of the alley, something akin to a confession, a written-out process of killing the men and other, stray thoughts. "I can't control myself, it's all just...stream of consciousness," she says. "When I get Inspired (you can hear the capital), I just write whatever comes to mind. I admitted to murder! I...need help..." You hold her wrist and whisper to her, calming her down. You sit for the next hour, just talking with her about whatever dumb thing comes to mind, and you can feel your attraction to her returning. At 2:31 in the morning, she gasps and her eyes begin to roll up inside her head. "Inspiration..." she chokes out. You know what to do. You yell to her. "Write about your high school Biology class!" Your eyes are seared by light, and when you open them again, a deva stands in Neimi's place, glowing blueish-white. Neimi moves faster than you can see to a notebook, and with no pen in her hand, begins to write. It is a stunning sight. Some unsure amount of time later, you and Neimi view page after page of Neimi's writing. "It's all one subject..." murmurs Neimi "All just about that Biology class...there are periods! There are semicolons! It all..." she looks towards you. "YOu helped me! Thank you! Thank you so much!" She kisses you, long and hard. You make love that night between sheets covered with words, neither of you saying a thing. -/- You are on the phone with a publisher. The books you sent him, you say, are from an eccentric genius who will only let the books see print if an edition is never published in Khazan. He agrees, and asks what to call you. "Muse," you say, "call me Muse." Powers: When Neimi is Inspired, which can happen for any number of reasons, she is extremely fast, very strong, and very tough, not that many have tried to hurt her. Inspired Neimi writes with a magical, indelible ink that bonds to anything. She only ceases this form after writing to her form's mysterious specifications.
  11. YOUR GAMES GLITCH BECAUSE YOU TOUCH YOURSELF AT NIGHT Seriously though, coding and testing a game, especially such an expansive one like Fable, is really, really hard and takes a really, really, really long time. There's bound to be a number of flaws, bugs, and other unfortunate happenstances in nearly any program. Not to mention, somehow when even a perfectly tuned game comes out, somehow when it's in the hands of the consumers, more buggies pop up. Just power through it, save often, and hope for the downloadable patches.
  12. Yes. "Ponce El Gadis" was the first incarnation. Two years later, after seeing the updated art of the character I used, I created a sequel character, called, with reason, simply "Ponce." He isn't in the HoF. A third part, "Ponce: Fin," is in the Fanfiction section. I should note that I named him long before I knew that his first name was a British insult. Thanks a sarcastic lot for reminding me I need to write the next part. Also, sorry. I meant to put Tarvius.
  13. I'll bring up that people are still talking about Canelaser to its writer. Remember though, he ate widows, not grandmas. Treach, while I'm flattered that one of my characters that wasn't Hell's Bookie made it on the list, his name is Isaac W. Rodownski, not "IVan Rodownski." EDIT: Just noticed the first Ponce was on there too. Cool.
  14. Personally, I'm still waiting for my t-shirt.
  15. Part the Eighteenth and 3/4: D. S. al Fina But no time to celebrate, as they have to evacuate the astral realm…before some shockwave comes or something. Unsurprisingly, it’s not explained very well. Fina locates all of the girls in a way that the game doesn’t even attempt to explain, and teleports them to an appropriately cinematic area. Fina explains to everyone who missed the show that she defeated CHAOS, so congratulations, everyone else was completely redundant! One of them asks if CHAOS is really beaten, but of course… Hayami: CHAOS is a part of the universe and the force drive our world. So we can’t destroy it completely. Fina: Yes. The CHAOS we just fought is merely a part of greater being which was materiliazed in this dimension. “We were probably just fighting the thing’s knee.” Fina: And because it was brought up by our negative emotional energy, it could come back. Ryle: But our part is done now. Next time, it’s up to the next generation. In the sequel. …God, I hope not. Orubia: How long will it go on like this? This vicious cycle… I’ll remind you that the only reason CHAOS got enough negative energy to revive is because the Mahzoks interfered with life and sacrificed themselves! Latyss: It’ll be alright. I’m sure of it… Caris: Of course! We humans have lived on so far. Hayami: Sessha also have faith in human potentials. Ironically, Hayami makes me lose faith in humanity. Mariel: Anyway, we can finally get some rest! Fina: …right. Lucitta: Now, what are we going to do? Ryle: Well, let’s go back to Lavas. Things will get busy start from tomorrow. What? Why? Caris: What else we have to do? Fina: Since CHAOS is gone, we better report the news to each kingdom. Um, it’s not like anyone outside Flare and you seven knew of the oncoming CHAOS. Caris: But I’m just SO tired… Can I skip this one? Fina: Aren’t you gonna cliam the fame and REWARD? What fame? What reward? No one knew this was happening!! Caris: Reward!? *Cha-ching* Ryle: (Wow! Fast recovery!) Avarice is funny. Orubia: Maybe I can just claim very small amount to pay the student loan from Mage Academy… Student loans: a universal problem. Mariel: How big the reward gonna be? Hayami: It must be huge amount of gold, for we just saved the entire world. I cannot stress this enough!! Nobody knows what just transpired!! No one even knew CHAOS existed! The kingdoms aren’t going to give you half the treasury just because you say you destroyed a existence-threatening entity! Besides, the hero’s life is hard, self-sacrificial, and thankless Besides that, if you get enough to “Buy a town,” as Fina considers, you’re obliterating the local economy! You can’t expect to wield supreme executive power just because some tart threw a sword at you! Finally, they realize that Factoria and Meldia have their own problems, and they’re going to get a “Star Wars” award ceremony at best. Again, assuming the nations want to declare to a sheeplike public that the world was almost destroyed, again. Lucitta thinks they’ll turn her in, for some reason. Why is she even still here? Ryle: I just want to return my status and rights as to Factorian prince. Can you do that? They’re birthrights, not ugly socks you got for Christmas! Latyss: Ryle… Orubia: Are you gonna just throw away your title? Fina: I see. Ryle hates to live among nobles…he just want to be himself right now. Caris: What about Hayami? You got any future plans? “Probably take a year off to find myself, tour Europe, something like that.” Why’d she ask about Hayami so specifically? Hayami: Sessha… All this time, and that’s still dumb and annoying. Ryle: Her duty is over, and so is our contract. Hayami: ……*lowers face* Mariel: Eh!? She’s gonna leave us? Um, you weren’t planning to stay as a septet for the rest of your collective lives, were you? Ryle: Because she was ordered by Lord Zestrum to escort me when I had the title of prince. Once I return the title, no more contract and thus no reason to stay with us. “Being a woman, she has no say in her own future.” Mariel: But I don’t want her to leave… Mariel’s sure going to be disappointed when they bodily throw her out of the group. They talk on the same subject, until finally Fina rubs two brain cells together. Fina: Come on! Stop crying. As if we are not gonna see each other forever. And Hayami is our friend period! She can visit us anytime. Why does it take the messiah to come to this easy realization? Latyss: Yes. She can come to Lavas anytime, we’ll be there. “Whenever she calls us, we’ll be there. Whenever she needs us, we‘ll be there, we‘ll be around…” Orubia: We are all connected with tight friendship, no matter how far being apart… “Also, Fina still owes me ten bucks.” Hayami: …Yes indeed! Ryle: Hayami… Thanks for everything! Hayami: Please stop saying farewells. Sessha wont leave everyone. As was just established! God, you people are dumb. Ryle: Ah, sorry…hehe! We will remain as friends all the time right!? Latyss: … Mariel: … “Not you!” Caris: … Orubia: … Hayami: … Lucitta: (So this is the true strengh of humans…) If by ‘this’ you mean ‘dull moments that were supposed to be somehow emotional,’ yes. Fina: (Daddy…I did it! You watched me right?) “Oh, hey, Fina, I met your father.” “Oh my god! Did he say anything about me?” “Surprisingly little, actually.” “…” A stupid end to a stupid game. Let’s get out of-- Damn it all, an epilogue. I know I just did that, game, shut up. However, as Fina warned before, there is no way to eliminate all the evil from this world… As long as Carrot Top still lives… Then what can we do from now on? Time keeps go by, the world remains the same, so its people. The wheel in the sky keeps on turning I don’t know where I’ll be tomorrow The wheel in the sky keeps me yearnin’ It’s only the matter of time that they have to face the same fate again… The true utopia. I wonder what kind of world would that be…? So, wait, is this just a summary, or is a character actually saying this? As long as the people don’t realize what they really seek, the vicious cycle shall haunt them over and over again… “And if you read my pamphlet, you’ll realize the only way to true happiness is through Scientology.” Ryle: And I’m determined to correct all of it! By creating a new world for us! Ambitious, kiddo. Now is it the end? Please? Damn, we have credits. Okay then. Surprisingly enough, the credits aren’t just self-congratulatory bullshit and other fapping, but some actual credit-where-credit-is-due stuff, where Flare got some of the music from, including the rocking tune playing over the credits, where she got monster images and templates, and such. Still, the first few are just FLARE. The name of rm2kfanboy appears a few times, just to remind us whose translation really made it awful. Humorously enough, there’s an entry for play testing and debug, both of which I doubt this game got much of. Still, let us salute Imram and Kevin Nap, who apparently played this game before it was as finely polished as it now is. I’ve put the full credits roll in my photobucket collection, in case you’re interested in just how much Flare thanks herself.. There, the credits have rolled. The game is over! THE END! Fina and I went back to Dracoheim together after the final battle with CHAOS Oh, God-effing-dammit!! Fina helped me to go thru the temple’s barrier. Since only the dragons and those who posses Dragon Gene are allowed to enter the place. Why didn’t she do this the first time they were there? Who knows? Who cares? And she was unusually quiet after we entered Abyss. “Also, she was decaying a lot more.” Thus we fade in to the Dracoheim inner sanctum. Fina seems a bit reluctant to…um…do whatever it is she has to do. Give up being the Sacred Dragoon, I guess. Ryle: (I thought she would be the one who understand the most about the risk and danger of such big power.) Hey, remember, absolute power corrupts absolutely, but it rocks absolutely, too. Fina: Somehow I feel…that we are very selfish and unfair. For making me play this? Yes, yes you are! Fina: We finally were able to defeat the CHAOS. Because we fought to the end with all we got. And thanks to Cosmos Eternal. The absurd plot contrivances helped as well. Fina: But all of these won’t be possible if I wasn’t being able to become Sacred Dragoon… Ryle: What are you trying to say? Fina: Have you already forgotten the ones who contributed the most in saving our world? Ryle: … “Romellia and Mina?” Fina: All thanks to these Dragoon Arms. The Arms have been waiting here in order to lend each Sacred Dragoon their powers. And they have been doing this for thousands of years on behalf of our well-being. But now we want to seal them back just because they are no longer use for us. Eh, what can you say, their fault for being inanimate objects. Fina: Dragoon Arms have their own wills like we do. Ryle: Wills? “They usually just leave everything to each other, though.” Fina: I remember when I tried to activate them at this place. And I was So frustrated about them not responding at all. Because I too, thought the Arms were merely the tools for transformation. Then the Dragonlord advised me not to treat them like objects, but rather ask them for help. Finally they answered my calls. I was so glad that they accepted me as their own friends. We haven’t had long, pointless monologues in a while. I kinda missed them. Fina angsts on this topic for a while more. Ryle: You’re right…Now it’s our turn to do them a favor. First of all, we can visit them from time to time. We know they’ll be here for sure. Those are going to be the most colossally boring visits in the history of ever. Fina: But visiting alone won’t do much. Ryle: That, is what we gonna think about from today! We’l have the solution someday. Fina: Really..? “Hell if I know, can we kiss now?” Ryle: Of course, answers are always out there! All you need is keep looking! It’s idealism like this that is killing America. So Fina releases the Arms, and a mysterious voice speaks up. No, not Mysterious Voice from MST3K Voice: Don’t forget. We are always with you in your heart. Fina: You are…! You are the guys (The Arms)! Right? What was preventing her from saying ‘The Arms,’ game? This is too near the end of the game for me to put up with this shit. Voice: Didn’t you know that we have been together not just during this war? Fina: I don’t understand! “Because the translation is terrible!” Fina’s old reliable sword, the Rune Disaster appears, and reminds her that she’s with the Arms always, as the Rune Disaster is one of them. Why it can suddenly talk and why she’s being excused from keeping the other apparently conscious items company is never answered. Fina swears to take care of the sword and give it to the next generation, and--I only point this out because it’s really weird--when she takes back the sword, an info box appears, as if I just collected it in game. The pair turn to leave. Fina: Maybe, I went too far on that future promise part. Ryle: Waa? Oops, the sight of the Rune Disaster talking turned Ryle into a drooling invalid. Fina: That I have to pass it down to next generation part! Ryle: It it really difficult? “Well, I might die young or something.” Fina: You really haven’t given a thought about your own future, have you… Ryle doesn’t give thoughts to anything. Fina: Anyway, let’s go home! Mom’s waiting for us! Ryle: Ah? Ok… (I haven’t thought about my own…?) Fade to black, and Ryle starts narrating again. He got a taste of it, and he’s not stopping. Ryle: And that’s how we saved our world from the total destruction. “It was the wackiest spring break ever!” Ryle: As I think back about what all happened in our adventure, I noticed that we were very lucky. Not just Fina joining our party but rather many things in this universe helped us out in a great deal. Compare to these entities, we humans are truely weak life forms. And I also felt that defeating CHAOS by gathering our puny powers in one, was quite miraculous. I’d choose the term “contrived and moronic,” but that works too. Ryle: I also realized the importance of passing down such precious knowledge to my next genereation. That sentence has nothing to do with the previous scene or the next one. Grr. Everyone gets a ending CG, and this is Fina’s. That’s a very tiny tongue for a very large face. Plus, what happened to her head…gill…things? Fina and Ryle chat. She’s cooked something (Tsukkuri mashou! Tsukkuri mashou!) and while Ryle is nervous due to getting food poisoning earlier from a poorly cooked meal, she insists, and Ryle finds it delicious, even thought it has a few bell peppers in there. What’s so bad about bell peppers, Japanese? Ryle: I know. Just making me eat those peppers alone is increable enough already! You’re good. Fina: Ehhehe. So tell me Ryle… “Have you ever been in a Turkish prison?” Fina: How many children you want. There’s a silly noise. And, one last time, wacky music. Ugh. Ryle: Pooooh- Winnnnie the Pooooh? Fina: Oh…Why did you throw up like that? He’s a man. Any sign of intimacy and their body revolts. You’re lucky he isn’t fleeing through the window. Ryle: How can I eat while listening to “that” all of sudden!? *cough* Fina: What’s so wrong about it!? “One, the question was apropos of absolutely nothing, two, neither of us has yet expressed any desire to become involved romantically with the other, and three, presumably we’d like to see if we work together as a couple before we start talking about kids!” Ryle: But you’ve gone to far! We didn’t even get married yet! Fina: I mean why not now? Ryle, you BETTER start to think about our future from now on! I see one big problem in the relationship right now. Flare: You are the WORST couple I’ve ever seen… Aaah! Where did she come from? Was she in the room during all this? Okay, game, there. We’ve had the character-specific ending. We’re done. This has gone on for thirty pages. THE END. AAAAAARRGH! FLARE: You now have cleared with Fina. I’ll explain little of her background story and I also want to share some game secrets! Okay, to be fair, this is optional, and I can’t really blame Flare. If I made something like this, I’d want to put in all the backstory and flavor text I couldn’t include in the game. Besides, now we get to make fun of the author directly! FLARE: In fact, I made the prequel of this game before. And it’s in somewhere in my room. Title is called “DRAGON VALKYRIE”-! It’s about the previous Sacred Dragoon and her friends, during the “Demonic War.” I’m sure it was a credit to its genre. FLARE: And I made this with RPG Maker 3 for Playstation 1! Can I say I really don’t see the point in releasing a RPG Maker for a home console? The logistics are mind-boggling, not to mention, how do you share the games? FLARE: So you got all these characters: Flare Delstar, Rain, Zestrum, Meldyss, when they were young adventures like Ryle now. And I made Flare so pathetic back then! However she already got “Divine Impact at the beginning of the game… Flare Delstar, Princess Meldyss, and Festa sisters (Romellia’s mom and aunt) went on the mission to stop Gaiares invasion on East Ernest. Most of other kingdoms back then did not realize the threats from Mahzoks, so Gaiares Empire became their first enemy to face. But Gaiares did this on purpose to force them to unite their troops and get ready for the Mahzoks. Sounds like a great use of money and human lives. Did they try telling the other nations about the Mahzoks? FLARE: Of course Flare and other had no idea about this at first. They only thought that stopping Gaiares would end the war. After she arrived Gaiares, the Mahzoks finally surfaced And there she also found out about the Sacred Dragooon. Flare got the Dragon Gene from Centinel who was the candidate for next Sacred Dragoon, and it was done by her sword Rune Disaster. I hope FLARE never discovers DMing. FLARE: And she gathered The Arms and became the Sacred Dragoon. You know the rest of the story after that. It might sound very serious, but the game is full of jokes like this one, including Flare’s good old “Hyper Sea Sick” and “Ghost Phobia” It didn’t sound serious and those weren’t jokes. FLARE: Romellia’s mom, Mimi and her younger sister Rolli, were famous bunny sisters back then with huge you know what I mean which agitated Flare alot… I wasn’t aware “Bunny Girl” was a legitimate career path. Ugh, it sums up that Fina had a crappy youth as everyone expected great things of her given her family, which was already mentioned. FLARE: Because she hated the title of “Savior’s daughter” so much, that she wanted to become a chef instead. I guess it was her own way of revolting. Most kids get tattoos or do drugs or put out a lot. Fina…pursues cookery. FLARE: Then she lost her fater Rain after she turned 15. Her father’s death might caused Fina to become a Valkyrie. He died of a unrelated disease! She became a Valkyrie because her father died of natural causes? “Damn you natural causes! Damn you to hell!” FLARE: So when she first met with Ryle and others, she tried very hard not to be referred so much with her mother in terms of abilities and so on… By the way, she’s at the same age as Caris, 17. But her fighting abilities are awesome already at her debut, unlike her issues on flat chest… So what impression did she give you? The game gives you three options, (in this case Strength, Reliability, and Destiny) but instead I’ll put what I really thought. You seem to think that giving Fina pointless character limitations gives her character depth. It doesn’t. FLARE: Even though she was able to win over CHAOS, in the end she had to rely on everyone… No she didn’t. Speaking of which, she always had the most powerful attack in the party, without exception, making everyone else badly redundant. FLARE: Not only her outstanding fighting abilities, but also her sharp analysis and smart strategy on each situation were quite impressive as well. Oh, and the whole flat-chested thing? Not funny, and I think it points to some insecurity on the author’s part. FLARE: Probably so because of her close tie between Sacred Dragoon and the world's constant need on fighting against the threats from CHAOS. That was fun! I’m doing that from now on! FLARE: I enjoyed a lot on creating this character, maybe due to her humorus part. Please also try the other girls’ ending if you haven’t. ^o^ I will. But I won’t like it. FLARE: For last, I owe myself to all those who put their time and efforts into making of this game and its promotion. THANK YOU ALL It was more than it deserved! The game ends on a non-joke I won’t dignify with reprinting. THE END. Finally. NEXT TIME: Six more endings! You really hate me, don’t you?
  16. The next room is just a short block. Everyone says their scared feelings as the gitchiness runs through them and the properly Lovecraftian form of CHAOS appears before us, swaying like a belly dancer for some reason. Caris: !! Mariel: T-that…is… Lucitta: It must be him! I can just tell! No, really? I thought it was a different 10-story-tall world-destroyer! Latyss: …! Orubia: Lord of Mahzoks!! “Yes, what do you want?” Hayami: CHAOS-!! “Yes, that’s me! I’ve asked what you wanted!” Fina: Just like we suspected, 4 Demonlords have resurrected CHAOS by becoming the sacrifice!! Ryle: He’s so HUGE! Giggity! CHAOS: ……… Fina: Mm! What an increable force he’s emtting!! Can I really stop this guy? CHAOS: ……… …Not the talkative sort, is he? Some light further flashes, and… Fina: !!! Everyone RUN!! Brave, brave Miss Fina, Miss Fina ran away…When danger reared its ugly head, she bravely turned her tail and fled, she bravely ran away. Ryle explodes, and the screen turns completely white. Where…where am I? At the beginning of any number of movies or video games. I was surrounded by big light…And I…? “Ryle? You passed out in the lighting section of Menards again.” Fade in…and Ryle appears to be laying on one of those things that change colors with body heat. Hm. Ryle: Ouch! Huh? Where is this place? ????: You are…Ryle Lastor. Right? Ryle: Uh? How do you know my name? And who are you? “I’m…psychic!! Hah, no, I’m messing with you, I looked in your wallet.” ????: Don’t be afriad, I’m here to help you. My name is Rain. “I have this list, y’see…” Ryle: Rain? (Rain Delstar!? No, it can’t be!) “Actually, I took my maiden name again since dying.” Rain: I’m afraid your astral (mind) body was expelled from the Astral Realm with very strong impact. And you end up here, the gateway in between your world and hell. Wait a second. Dead father…afterlife…mind separated from body… This is Contact again, isn’t it?! Ryle: Gateway to hell!? Am I dead then? I’m in the Gaaateway to hel1! Gateway to hell! Rain: No you’re still alive. Only your mind is staying here. Goddammit, this IS Contact! Effing A! Ryle: Is there any way out? I must return as soon as possible!! It’s very urgent! Rain: You see the gate over there? That’s the way out! That’s oddly convenient. Rain: But you have to defeat the guard! Ryle: Good! Simple and straight forward. “I may not be smart, but I fight well guards can!” Rain: I’ll help you. The entire world is in danger, am I right? Ryle: How did you know? Rain: I’ve been watching. “That didn’t answer my question at all!” “Oh, there’s a plasma screen up here. Only got basic cable, and the reception’s iffy, but it’s pretty good.” Rain: You must hurry! If you stay here any longer, you will never return! Ryle: But why? “I’m sorry, what part of ‘never return’ didn’t you get?” Rina: I have a wife and a daughter still living in your world. I ask you to help them. Please… Ryle: !! (It must be him!!) Only Rain Delstar has a wife and daughter!! If we attempt to head south, Rain cautions us that that way is to hell, which presumably is playing through this game again. North, we fight the guard. This is Velzar--Wait a gotterdammerung minute here! The dragons were supposed to be creatures of good! The game said so! Not counting the Dragon Lord, we’ve seen five dragons now, and all five have tried to kill us! Forget it. Just--forget it. Talk talk talk. Velzar: Challenging me--fools! I’ll destroy your astral bodies so you’re gone forever!! Rain: He must return to his world! People are waiting for his help! “Fina’s useless!” The battle’s a pretty normal one. As Velzar is a dragon, Ryle’s Tiger-type attacks (strong against psychic AND steel-types) devastate him, and Rain has an absurdly powerful move himself, besides having healing to keep Ryle alive. Eventually, Velzar (which is the only name as evil as Xaktor) uses Heal Omega to heal himself by 999 HP. Ryle: Damn! We can’t beat him like this! Rain: His attacks are manageable. But we can’t go on like this! Sure we can! He uses it randomly, and I can deal damage a lot faster! Rain: Ryle: I’ll suppress his mind power with my Thunder Ray! Ryle: Depress the mind!? Rain: By depressing his mind, he wont be about to use Heal Omega. Or his mind might just listen to Evanescence and kill itself, and problem solved! Ryle: Is that really possible? “Guys? I know you’re talking, but I’m still, y’know, threatening to eat you and all.” Rain: Very simple theory. All I need is big noise to disrupt his concentraion. And my Thunder Ray can create such noise. But I have to adjust the spell itself to be most effective. “I’m right here, for god’s sake!” Ryle: I see. The damage is lowered but it can stop the healing spells. Stop talking, please! We’re in the middle of a fight! I don’t care! This shows everything that’s wrong with this game! Rain: Maybe I should call it…Thunder Pressure? The spell to suppress the mind. Thunder pressure! Dun dun dun dadadadun. Dun dun dun dadadadun. The battle ends. That’s all you need to know. Rain yells at Ryle to go back to the land of the living, but won’t go with him because he’s “a man of past.” If he could go back, wouldn’t he have already? Rain: Just go! The reapers will come’n get you very soon!! “Seasons don’t fear them, but you should!” Rain: Flare and Fina… Please take care of them for me! That’s a tad misogynistic! Seriously, they’re 38 and 18 respectively, and they have absurd magical powers! They can take care of themselves! Ryle: …… I understand. Rain: Flare, Fina… I want you to live happily in peace! I love you! And Rain…I’m glad to meet you although it was very brief. “…I want to *vulgarity* your daughter!” Rain: I believe you will lead the people to victory! Ryle leaves and…is in a rocky area. He doesn’t appear or wake up or anything. And, just as the start of the game, demonstrates he’s completely insane. Ryle: Mm! Where am I!? But I’ve never thought I would get help from Rain Delstar… …Looks like I’m still at Astral Realm. I wonder where’s everyone… !! I sense someone’s out there! Mad as a hatter, folks. So this is what the last area looks like. The girls you’re at a high enough attraction lie unconscious at the ends of the branches. Lucitta apparently sleeps with her eyes open. Why CHAOS did this instead of, say, killing them…well, that’s one of the great unanswerable questions. The amount of affection you have to rack up with a girl before she appears in this area varies from 44 (Latyss, the frigid bitch) to 38 (Mariel and Orubia, apparently easy as Sunday morning). Fina’s available, naturally, so I go to her. She appears as a translucent figure next to the platform. The option appears to talk to her. There’s still the option to get a hint, so I do. I’m pleased I have your approval, game. Fina: Oh good, you’re alright. Ryle: What happened to you? You body is… “Fabulous, I know.” Fina: I’m only talking to you thru my telepathy connection. Looks like the girls are ok. “Rather unaccountably.” Ryle: What about CHAOS? Are you fighting with CHAOS right now? “No, actually, we’re sitting down for tea. He’s actually quite a reasonable man once you start talking to him.” Fina: We are pretty much in equal at this moment, and I’m looking for chances to use the “Cosmos Eternal“. You’d think the telepathy might distract her a lit--BOOM! Ryle: Let me help you! Fina: No you can’t! You’ll get killed!! Ryle: You need somebody to distract CHAOS while you preparing the spell! Fina: But! What part of “You will explode and die” doesn’t Ryle understand? Ryle: Don’t worry about me! I should be able to handle CHAOS at least for awhile. Umm… He’s the incarnation of destruction. You’re a guy with a sword. Fina: But I’m inside the energy field of CHAOS! Normal people wont last a minute here!! Ryle: I’ll be fine, trust me! I got a plan! Ooh! Is it stupid and suicidal? Fina: What you gonna do? “When they come for you?” Ryle: Well, I’ll tell you when I’m over there. Fina: What?! You gotta be kiddin me! Ryle: I’m not joking. There’s a way to protect me from that energy field. “Then tell me what it is! Has it occurred to you that I might be slightly more informed about this creature I’ve been raised my whole life to fight that you do, and will be able to tell you if your plan will work or if it will just result in your horrifically painful death?!” Fina: Can’t stop you. Daring as usual… “Daring” is not the term I’d choose. Ryle: Because I’m a guy! I will never give up till one last breath!! I might want to shtup, and I might get blown up, but remember that I’m still a guy… Fina: Right on! Ryle: We only got 1 shot to finish CHAOS! I’ll delay CHAOS as much as I can, you must complete the spell!! Fina: I will… With my “Cosmos Eternal”!! We cut back to red wavy CHAOS, hard-to-read words, and Fina. The background’s moving too, just so you know. Y’know, I’d think there would be no shortage of…”atom particles.” What do you think everything is made of? CHAOS: With puny energy from 4 Demonlords, not enough power to talk… Fina: It began to talk!? “My God, it speaks!” CHAOS: And what do I have here right after my return? Confrontation with Sacred Dragoon again! “Whoa, déjà vu.” Fina: (So it also has some intelligence.) Oh, now that’s just racist. CHAOS: Fina Delstar… So you are the offspring of Flare Delstar… Would it do any good to ask how he knows this? No? Alright then. Fina: (He just got powered up again!!) CHAOS: Really resembles Flare… “You have your mother’s eyes…and ears…and lips… Erm, ignore me, I’m rambling.” Fina: Unlike my mom, I’m born with Dragon Gene. So I’m able to fully control my power even in early stage! Wasn’t she bitching before about not being able to control her power? CHAOS: Of course it would an insult to almighty Sacred Dragoon if I assumed you as weak as other humans. He’s quite articulate and polite for the embodiment of destruction. Fina: (Hm! Full of confidence eh?) “I’m the most powerful being in existence, I think I can be excused for being a little confident.” BATTLE! …My eyes hurt. Fina gets major stat boosts and a boost to her items, not that there’s any way you could know this. She powers herself up to 100% Dragooniness. But, of course, the first few turns are nothing, as CHAOS is invincible. During a couple of his moves, occasionally Fina uses Teleport to make the attack go away, so he wastes a turn. And soon enough… CHAOS: So is that it? Or I haven’t witnessed your true power yet? “I hope not, because if it is, I’m screwed.” Fina: (While CHAOS can use the barrier indefinitely, I can use Teleport only when it’s necessary… My power will soon deplete if I keep go on like this!) I have plenty of Jellos, Fina, you’re in no danger of running out of MP. ????: Fina-!! Fina: WHAT!? “Nothing, if you’re going to yell like that.” Victory music starts up. Ryle: Fina! You ok!? Fina: Ryle!? How did you come all the way here? The energy field should have kept you out! Ryle: Simple. Your Dimensional Field, which allows us to be here, is made up of atom particles. And since you have become maximum battle mode, the field itself also got upgraded automatically. One last time…that doesn’t make any sense!! It’s not simple at all, it just raises questions! What are atom particles? Why do they protect him from CHAOS’s shield? How did he get from wherever the hell he was to here? Again, what the hell are atom particles?! How did he know Fina would be at full power at the moment? How did something like this go through a writer, a translator, and presumably any of Flare and rm2kfanboy’s friends and still make it in this form?! What kind and loving god would inflict this upon an innocent world? Fina: Is that so? Ryle: You didn’t even know about that? It’s part of your powers… Then how did you know, Ryle? How did you know!? Fina: Well I didn’t expect the field could get boosted like this. Of course you didn’t! BECAUSE IT DOESN’T MAKE ANY *vulgarity*ING SENSE!!! CHAOS: Little fishes have stumbled into wrong pond? Even CHAOS has devolved into gibbering by the incomprehensible plot. Fina: It’s regaining the former power by every minutes! And began to talk! Ryle: Now it can talk!? “…Stop talking about me like I don’t exist.” Ryle: Fina! Hurry up!! Just focus on gathering enough of atom particles! Fina: Even with the field protecton, you can’t fight with CHAOS now! So far not a single shot actually harmed this guy! I can’t penetrate it’s Dimension Barrier. Don’t worry, I’m sure something stupid will come up. Ryle: Don’t worry, let me handle it! I already got plans. Fina: Now I’m really worried… Most reasonable thing I’ve seen all day. Ryle: We will combine the atom particles with our most powerful skills. Fina: HEY-!! Then what’s the point of saving them if you gonna just waste all of’em… Ryle: What other options we got? Any brilliant ideas? I have no idea, as I have no idea what the principles of atom particles could possibly be. It seems this is your only option. Fina: Mm… Alrighty! Here we go! Atom particles discharge!! So both Fina and Ryle get two new super moves. Ryle gets Senkozan and Jigen Kuhazan, both of which, as far as I can tell, mean absolutely nothing. Fina gets Cosmos Blaze and Cosmos V Buster. When they use the moves, they yell one of two delightfully cheesy lines like “This move shall open the ways of our future!!” or “This move cleaves anything on its way, even the space!!” All of these moves have a speckled background, which I guess mean that they’re the “Atom particle” moves. We are fortunately and hypocritically are at no loss for atom particles. The atom particle attacks are the only things that can hurt CHAOS, and they do in the neighborhood of 5000-15000 damage. This is okay, because CHAOS has two hundred thousand HP. For comparison, the Death Master, with the second most HP, has 8000. CHAOS has so much health that it cannot be properly calculated by the RPG maker enemy creation system and Flare has to make its health ridiculously high in the first line of the battle lines. This battle takes one hell of a long time, needless to say. Even my turns take a while, because Fina’s Cosmos V Buster, while stronger than basically anything else, hits five times, and I have to advance through all that. Ugh. CHAOS also loves using Curse Force to lower my defenses and resistance to dark fla-vo-magic, but fortunately Fina has buff moves to overcome that. Unfortunately, that means a turn where she isn’t attacking. Which means a even longer battle. Meanwhile, Fina is apparently charging up to use Cosmos Eternal or whatever the hell it is. Every time the forces of good deplete CHAOS’s health by one-fourth, they trade a few generic taunts. When he gets to zero… CHAOS: Argg! Who would have imagined that a bunch of low-level beings like you could push me this far! Ryle: This is bad! CHAOS is about to go berserk! Fina!! Aren’t you done yet!? “Demand demand demand, is that all you have to say?” Fina: Just a little bit more! I need you to hold on for little longer!! Ryle: Hurry up! CHAOS got really pissed off you know! …It’s destruction incarnate. I think his getting angry has a very small effect on its tendency to kill things. Fina: I’m also done! Just hang in there! And the battle goes on for yet another few turns, where the only goal is to keep Fina alive. And finally… CHAOS: Good job Sacred Dragoon! And humans! I didn’t expect to be entertained for such long time!! However… Fina: !! CHAOS: Flare once repelled my Omega Cluster with the Teleport from previous battle… But not THIS TIME! “Mainly because Flare is nowhere nearby!” CHAOS: Because the Omega Cluster I’m about to use…contains ALL MY POWER-!! Ryle: NO!! We can’t block and not even dodge THAT kind of blast! Fina: Omega Cluster!! CHAOS: Finish you ALL!! OMEGA CLUSTER-!!! “Flower…Cannon!” Battle breaks and CHAOS consumes Fina and Ryle in a blinding energy ball so big it apparently consumes the text box.. And he laughs hilariously. Why is he wavy again? CHAOS: No more Sacred Dragoon and those humans oppose CHAOS!! I shall dominated and dostroy their world! ????: Oh…really? Mm, cliché. Fina sucks up the fireball as fast as those vacuum cleaners in the infomercials. Fina: Teleport! I just sent off the energy of your Omega Cluster! Someone like you would have made the same mistake twice…how odd? Not really, everyone in this game is pretty damn stupid. CHAOS: But that’s impossible!! This time I put so much energy into the Omega Cluster, there’s no way you can… Fina: But we did it! Your Omega Cluster is no longer the threat to us!! CHAOS: But how!? How were you able to warp out that much energy!? Wait. If the explanation is stupid and makes no sense, don’t tell me. Fina: Like you said, with my Teleport, I can’t handle something as big as your Omega cluster. But I was able to move some of it. Omega Cluster, besides its massive energy, it also consists of a large body of atom partcles. So I just borrowed those atom particles from Omega Cluster thanks to you! Oh, I told you not to tell me! CHAOS: Atom particles!? But how can you…? !! You mean…!! The old boy is as confused as all of us. Fina: See I have been waiting for you to use Omega Cluster. Now…it’s MY turn!! “Do you have any…fours?!” Fina: Listen to my prayer. The source of all the energy in this universe, grant me the power!! Fighting evil by moonlight…winning love by daylight… Fina: I want to bring the order into the universe, by the power which wishes to walk on the same path!! Never running from a real fight…she is the one called Sailor Moon! CHAOS: …!? This must be Flares’s…! Fina: C O S M O S ETERNAL-!!! She is the one! Sailor Moon! CHAOS: Gaaaaaaaaar!! I-it…can’t be..!! Sorry about that, but I don’t know the words to the Slayers theme. Besides, y’wouldn’t have recognized it. There was glowyness and a bunch of explosions. Fina: As you already know… My Cosmos Eternal is entirely made of atom partices. And it’s the only spell which can penetrat thru your barrier and destroy you for good. I never want to see the words “atom particles” again. Or “atom partices” in this case. CHAOS: Arrrrr!! Beaten by the humans AGAIN-!!! What, Talk Like a Pirate Day already? Fina: Remember what my mom said? “Because we are humans”… CHAOS: !! “I don’t, honestly. It was twenty years ago.” Fina: We might be weak as individuals but we can support each other and further more unite our strength! And there’s no way for me to pull out Cosmos Eternal alone!! All the people in our world gave me the strength to protect them! “Alone, we may be weak sticks, but together, we form a mighty faggot!” Fina: And the forces of this universe responded to my plea. They want the game to end as much as I do! Fina: Right guys? Ryle: Fina… “What did you say? I zoned out.” Fina: CHAOS…as long as you don’t understand that, you can never win against Sacred Dragoon. CHAOS: Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaar!!! And with that final raaaaaaaaaaaaaaar, CHAOS is destroyed in…something not unlike most enemies’ deaths. Victoly! NEXT TIME: Is directly below!
  17. Part the Eighteenth: Order from CHAOS Before we adventure in, let’s have a quick summation of the game thus far, in case you came in late: Part 1: A boy with no family and no visible means of supporting himself named Ryle Lastor ventures out of his tiny town, seeking adventure! Part 2: Ryle immediately returns to town. He and his elven friend Latyss Grynwind delve into a ruin for a bronze token, killing several dozen bats along the way. Part 3: Ryle and Latyss venture into a mine and with the extremely conveniently timed assistance of his friends Orubia Aquary (really?), priest-mage, and paladin Caris Burnfist, defeat a evil creature who gradually pulled travelers to their fates. Part 4: After Ryle comforts Latyss, he decides to spare the girls’ feelings by leaving town again without telling anyone. He meets up with a young and well-endowed ninja named Hayami Raienji, who asks to hitch a ride on Ryle’s boat. Part 5: After hearing of suspicious goings-on in the ruling class of the country, Hayami and Ryle are confronted by a brainwashed ninja. And then there was some annoying shit. Part 6: Ryle hears of an attack on his hometown, and crosses the nation to return. And then laboriously crosses it five more times. GAARGH. Part 7: Joined by Fina Delstar, the daughter of the heroine of the recent demon war, Ryle, Orubia, Hayami, and Latyss confront and defeat an evil chancellor, after besting his army of highly trained, brainwashed ninjas. While there, they learn of Ryle’s true parentage--he is the illegitimate son of the local king. Bom-chika-wow-wow. Part 8: Ryle decides not to take advantage of his newfound position. Immediately, his position is taken advantage of by his half-brother, Prince Dyss. Dyss suspects further betrayal in the royal court, and asks Ryle to investigate in the faraway town of Cellen. To accomplish this, however, Ryle realizes he apparently needs one specific type of metal to build a sturdy and buoyant boat with. Part 9: The metal, El Metal by name, is only available from the Elves. Ryle, Latyss, and Orubia head to Elzcrown, the hamlet of the elves. Latyss earns the right to get the El Metal while simultaneously kicking the ass of her exiler and gaining summoning abilities, mostly through preachy monologues. Part 10: Among other things, the El Metal is guarded by a pair of dragons, who should be powers for good. The party is confronted by a demon, a Mahzok called Raymah who was controlling the dragons. Fina powers up and beats Raymah, and the El Metal is obtained. And then Ryle was hit on the head by a rock. Part 11: The new boat is built and, defying Caris‘s father and Fina‘s seasickness, Ryle and his harem sail off. However, finding absolutely nothing of use in Cellen, they head to Fina’s house. Her mother advises them to meet with the King of the neighboring country. To their puzzlement, the party gets followed by an inventive but infuriatingly ditzy girl named Mariel Shells. Part 12: The party goes up in a lighthouse and beats up some people. Raymah appears again and is soundly destroyed by Fina and Caris, but not before putting Ryle in a coma. Caris, Mariel and Fina fetch a healing herb for him, and are pointlessly confronted by another Mahzok, Graphost. Hayami is useless. Part 13: With the help of a hallucinatory vision quest and Fina‘s friendship, Ryle wakes, and all head to the local capital. They meet the entire royal family, and the king tells them to find Gaiares, a floating city which fell into the sea. Part 14: A few dumb distractions happen. Part 15: After the party returns to the first town for some reason, Fina’s mother defeats a Mahzok pretending to be the local queen. Part 16: It is revealed by yet another Mahzok that Gaiares is under a large city. Somehow. Part 17: Fina fulfills her destiny and becomes the legendary Sacred Dragoon. Realizing the Mahzoks’ plan is to revive their dark god, CHAOS, the party heads to the Astral Realm to bring the fight to them. They meet up with turncoat Mahzok Lucitta, who joins them. …Oh dear lord, I’ve wasted my life. …Um, sorry. Please note that this section is the longest, as I finish this dumb game. So strap in and get yourself a drink of choice. The group is oddly surprised to find a cabin in the middle of the astral realm. If I had seen all the bizarre shit that this group had gone through, a hindu god in a top hat flanked by cycloptic robots wouldn’t surprise me. One of the people at the table--the female one--walks over. Girl in school outfit: Who are you people!? How rude of you barging in without permission… No wonder I hate these RPG main characters. Ryle: Hey hey hey! You can’t say that… Game, we’ve been through a lot together. How about you stop making these sad jokes and I’ll stop commenting on them? We both win! Mariel: Sorrie! It’s so cold cold outside… Hayami: (They must be Mahzoks too!) …Or possibly teens with very odd ideas about prime real estate. Latyss: You are Mahzoks right? “…What happens if we say no?” Mariel: Huh-? Really!? Caris: Mariel… Don’t forget you are IN Astral Realm! Stop it. It’s not funny. Orubia: I almost forgot… Please stop. Caris: Orubia, be careful. I mean you don’t want to be like Mariel right? Mariel: That’s so cruel… STOP! Latyss: Stop chattering in front of the enemies… *GONG* *GONG* *GONG* Lucitta: Yeah, you three are embarrassing me… Hey, you chose to be associated with these people. So the second Demonlord introduces herself as the Demonlord of ice, Nofam. My best guess of what that means is that, rearranged, her name spells “Of ‘Nam,” so assumingly the ice Demonlord is from Saigon or something. Fina abruptly rolls high enough on her spot check to notice the person sitting in plain sight at the table over there. Boy with big hat: Don’t worry about me! I don’t wanna fight you now. It’ll be boring since the Sacred Dragoon is not in full power. My name is Geo. Demonlord of Thunder Geo. And I’ll just be watching you guys fight. Good luck! And he’ll say when one side’s pokemon is unable to battle. Caris: (What? He thinks we are just for playing! Arggg!!!) Did she just think ‘Arggg!!!’? Lucitta: (Damn, this kid too?) What’s with youths always being ridiculously powerful? I mean, in real life, they might be really good at violin sometimes, but not magic power… Demonlord Geo: Oh yeah, so you are the one who has turned against us…Lucitta, right? Somehow, I don’t think that ‘Lucitta’ will ever reach the same pedigree as ‘Benedict Arnold’ or ‘Quisling’ as a synonym for ‘traitor.’ Flam: Latyss! It’s my turn now! Latyss: Ok! I’m counting on you! Who are you again? Caris: 2nd round, START!! Caris’s turned into Shao Kahn, apparently. Orubia: We have come so far! We just have to keep going forward! We’ve tried so hard, and come so far…but in the end, it doesn’t even matter… Fina: This time I wont let you get away like that Demonlord Magni!! “You’ll have to get away some other way!” Demonlord Nofam: Hm! Don’t compare me to that pathetic flameboy! Would it do any good to point out you have almost a thousand less HP? Euww, that’s not pretty. I mean, the backgrounds are cool, but seriously, Nofam looks like she was drawn with MS Paint and a track pad. Ryle: So you gonna bring CHAOS back no matter what? Demonlord Nofam: Of course we will! It’s been our long dream to bring back our lord! “Since twenty years ago…which shouldn’t be too long for immortals…Well, it felt like longer.” Fina: Then what extactly the you guys want from CHAOS? “Yeah! What…uh, whatever she said!” Demonlord Nofam: You think I would tell you? Fina: It doesn’t matter, we will put an end to CHAOS this time!! So why did you ask!? Oops, wait. Remember Underson? The snowman? End of last update? Well, I forgot about him too. Yeah, I defeated him, got a staff for Orubia, and Orubia became a “Sage.” That’s what happened. Nofam summons the two hydras in the picture above to fight alongside her. I’ve brought along Mariel and Orubia to help me here, along with Fina. This perhaps odd-seeming combination has a reason. Namely, that this is the hardest fight in the game. Period. ThatOneBoss squared. The hydras are actually stronger than Nofam herself, and they attack just as powerfully. Combine this with the fact that Nofam will occasionally use Ice Prison, an attack that lowers everyone’s health to about one-tenth current…and the hydras still get an attack with that, combine that with the SLEEP spell, combine that with the fact if Fina dies, the game’s over, combine that…you get the idea. I should be bringing the Fire-users--Caris and Latyss--with me, but there are two problems with that. First, Caris is ten levels behind the rest of us, and second… On the first turn, I should be buffing, but I can’t. I need to get in all the attacks I can before Nofam casts a spell that makes all three foes highly resistant to a number of elements, including fire and the formerly all-powerful ACIENT element! Fortunately, there are a couple attack types Nofam and the Hydra Experience don’t resist: tiger and laser, which fortunately Ryle and Mariel have, respectively. Hydras are especially vulnerable to tiger (being kinda dragons, sorta, I guess). Not exactly classical elements, but we work with what we have. While none of her attacks are particularly useful and she is a squishy mage by every definition of the word, Orubia needs to be in to heal, and boy howdy to the tenth power do we need healing! So, one turn of hoping my attacks get in before theirs do, two turns of buffing, one turn of frantic healing, and repeat. *dies* …Um, okay, screw the turn of attacking, just buff and then do your best. Also, give Fina a resist shield move gotten from one of the items from the Triumph Grail. Phew, okay, between the defense buffing and resist buffing, I’m barely taking any damage, even if Freeze Reverser sometimes hurts, and I still can’t do anything about Ice Prison. Orubia’s Mind Raise increases our speed and lets us heal before the hydras get more attacks in. Even Orubia can withstand a turn of attacks, and when she dies, both Mariel and Fina can Raise her and give her full HP. The only huge problem is that when people die, they lose their buffs, and by the halfway point in the battle, I need to replenish them. *vulgarity*!! I experience a horrifying turn in which both hydras use the hugely powerful Freeze Reverser, basically K.O.ing everyone BUT Fina. If it wasn’t for the fact they went very easy on me on the next round, I would have to try again. …And in a few rounds, I do have to try again. Damn. I give the resist shield move to Mariel this time. I’ll tell ya, I’m getting rea-he-heally sick of the opening conversation. Todanken. Omega Wave. Heal Field. High Laser Cannon. And…with steady trying, perseverance, a bit of strategy, healing even when I don’t think I need it, and a lot of luck (no Ice Prisons!) I gain victory. And come to a realization. This is what it should have been from the beginning. This battle showed that there was potential here, there always had been potential! I mean, if this had been a Final Fantasy game, a hard boss like this, with strategy and all, would be normal, not a odd and beautiful exception! This boss battle, this well-made and truly tough boss battle, showed that this was not hopeless! There was possibility!! Ryle: It’s over Demonlord Nofam. …It just makes me hate this game even more. Orubia, funnily enough, gets one last healing move from rising to level 23...Useless, considering I got through the hardest battle in the game with Heal Field. Demonlord Nofam: ……… Maybe we have underestimated humans too much…! Maybe her name just means she has no family, or something. Enh. Nofam vanishes. Caris: No! She got away!! Fina: (Both Magni and Nofam ran away…to join their forces?) Either that, or they had tickets to “The Tommyknockers.” Demonlord Geo: Hah~ *shakes head* Not the big sister too… Ryle: And you are the next? Demonlord Geo: Not here. I’ll be waiting for you at my stage. Later man! All the world’s my stage, and all the men and women merely NPCs. Hayami: Damn… He also got away! Ryle: We just have to fight him at the next place. “I know how these boss runs work.” The background music changes, which is the only indication anything has happened. Lucitta: !! I can feel it! Maybe little faint, it’s definitely coming from CHAOS! Can you feel it? It’s all about us… Fina: This vibration!! It is CHAOS!! No, wait, I just set my cell on silent. Ryle: What’s going on!? Fina: …I start to sense the presence of CHAOS just moments ago…It’s very weak resonance, but I still can feel its enormous power… “It courses through my body like bass notes…” Latyss: That means… Orubia: CHAOS has already… “Taken steroids?” Mariel: Resurrected!? Ryle: We still got chance! As long as we stop the rest of Demonlords, CHAOS can’t return! “They can take Shadow and Sassy, but we still have Chance!” We exit to another realm of snow, and continue to another snowy realm. The group quickly reaches a short expanse of…air? Space? Oh, whatever. Fina: It must be him! That stupid boy!! Caris: You mean that Demonlord Geo!? He did this? No, Wesley Crusher! Of course Demonlord Geo, you moron! Fina: He knew that I was using the Dimensional Field to make our ways. So he did this to delay us… Hayami What should we do then? Latyss: Like we did in Abyss, I’ll ask Sylph to use “React Wind”. Absolutely no reason that shouldn’t work, right? Fina: Don’t forget that we are in Astral Realm. I’m not sure if that wind spell will work properly. …Why not?! Everything else works normally! This isn’t first edition! Lucitta: Fina and I can easily fly over. What about the rest? Build a bridge out of three yardsticks. Caris: No matter how urgent the situation is, I will NOT jump over this ok? Ryle: (Dope, I was about to tell her to jump…) Ah, Ryle, not caring about the welfare of his friends. That’s in-character. Orubia: How bout asking Sis Fina to carry us to cross 1 at a time? Hayami: Good idea! Assuming Fina’s wings can support twice her weight, yes! Ryle: Fina! Hurry up! We don’t got much time!! Fina: But there’s 1 problem! The general stupidity of the entire situation? You’re the most powerful beings in creation and you can’t get past a small gap!! Fina: I can’t be too far away from all of you while we are staying here. Once you are out of the range from Dimensional Field, you might never be able to come back! Acceptable losses, I’d say. Latyss: It’s more serious that I expected. “Serious” has never described this game. Ryle: Then I’ll use my “Warp”! Fina: Waaaa!! No no no!! The spell will cancel out my Dimensional Field! You have to be extra careful on handling warp things around here! Will someone please do something instead of just talking about it?! Lucitta: Man~ Humans are so inconvenient… Excuse us for being mortal! Ryle: Fina, we just have to risk it and cross with your help! Fina: Ryle… Ryle: We already have come this far. There’s no turning back. Plus, the fate of the world and all that. Fina: You know if we fail, the entire human world is doomed…But we got no choice. Oh, for god’s sake, we are not going to die during a cinema scene! Ryle: Ok! Then I’ll be the first. Latyss, you are next. After that is Orubia, alright? “Hayami, you’re last if we remember you.” Lucitta: I’ll assist you. It’ll be quicker. Ryle: Thanks Lucitta! Lucitta: As you wish Master. Does anyone not hear the “I Dream of Jeanie” theme? Fina: Well then! Ryle, Latyss! You two are the first! Lucitta: Orubia, Mariel! I’ll carry you two. “Hayami, your sacrifice will be remembered.” Mariel: Please don’t drop me, please~ Drop! Drop! Drop! So everyone gets across safely. … Would someone mind telling me what the hell was the purpose of that scene?! They said they couldn’t use the normal way, came up with a different way, said they couldn’t do that, and then did it anyway!! It might be called dramatic exposition, except that there was neither drama nor exposition! Nothing relevant was revealed, nothing interesting happened, it was overall just stupid and pointless!! I can’t believe this is the same game that I said was like Final Fantasy one scene ago. And guess what? There’s another scene precisely like it immediately after that. There’s a bunch of rocks in the way. Hayami, Latyss, and Mariel try to destroy them and fail, the game points out Caris previously lifted considerably more than that, and finally Fina realizes the rocks are an illusion, and she can walk through them as if they’re RPG Maker objects put on the wrong layer. There, the scene, in one-fifth the time and all the pointlessness. Arrrgh! I only have five questions about all this--Why, why, why, why, and why?! I steel my resolve to finish this and move on and oh look what it is. Ryle: Man they are everywhere… Demon Dasher: Can you catch up with our speed? Ryle: Hah~ *Sigh* I’m so tired of this… You speak for us all, Ryle. The Demon Dashers might just escape, or if they fight, only the best attacks deal 1 damage to them. Good thing they only have 5 HP. They actually drop the powerful “Elixer,” so it’s worth your while to defeat them. They’re also weak to stunning and dazing, keeping them from running. Anyway, the next area has a set of eight gravestones, and when one looks at them, they say R.I.P and the name of one of the characters. They react with such reactions as “Death threats eh?” (Lucitta), “………” (Latyss), and “Sessha will teach him a lesson in Shinobi way!” (Take a wild effing guess). Also, Lucitta’s last name is apparently Lang. Go figure. (As in k. d. or Lana?) Geo is of course waiting for us, in his kid-in-big-hat form. Seriously, has it been cleared up why they choose to appear in other forms? It’s not like they’ve ever denied their true nature or whatever. Ryle: Hey kid! Enough of jokes. Demonlord Geo: But you are late. I thought you could do better. “Sorry, we had two completely pointless events to slog through.” Fina: Like you said earlier, I’m not in my full power yet. Demonlord Geo: Of course, I’m fully aware of that. So I brought some help just in case. Mariel: Reinforcement! Reinforcement! REEEinforcement! Reinforcement! Reinforcement! Re-innn-force-ment! Hayami: (But Sessha don’t see anybody else) Latyss: (Sylph and the rest, try to find anyone else out there!) Yes, because no one was able to summon reinforcements before…except nearly every other Mahzok!! Orubia: But fighting with a little boy… Caris: It doesn’t matter! As long as he’s trying to bring CHAOS back, we half to fight him! “Well, sor-ry. Just trying to get some roleplay XP.” Ryle: And don’t be fooled by his disguise! Who knows what the Mahzoks really look like? Little girls in frilly outfits, perhaps? Lucitta: Master~! I didn’t put any mask!! My face and body are 100% NATURAL!!! “Well, I had a little botox, but that doesn’t count.” Right right, everyone threatens him. Demonlord Geo: Entertain me at least for an hour plz~ If this battle takes anywhere near an hour I am so out of here. Ryle: It’ll be your last game to play! Let’s fight!! He might be right--it is sincerely possible that this game will make me lose interest in playing any other games, ever. We go into a fight, Geo says some seriously nonsensical crap, and he summons two giant…one-eyed…robots. I think it’s better that I don’t say anything. Latyss: Gnome! It’s your turn now! Gnome: Yes yes. But I’m not sure my power is any good against this fella. Oh, shut up. It is for some reason, let it go. Latyss: I understand. Please just try your best. Lucitta: The scent…they are Dark Pits!! …They need some antiperspirant, I guess. Demonlord Geo: Lucitta… Since I’m still little, I needed help. And they were quite tough to summon. Christ, I didn’t ask for your flavor text. Lucitta: (Only the Death Master could summon the Dark Pits!! And this little kid was able to...!!) Fina: Everyone watch out! These eyeballs were created by Old World Magic! They will keep reviving each other!! Ryle: The only way is to kill both of them simultaneously! Brilliant, Holmes. I will not bore you with the details of the fight, suffice it to say it was easy. The game thinks the requirement to kill the Pits at once is difficult, but it forgets that almost all of the best moves attack all enemies. Relentless buffing from Geo does nothing to help. Same four attacks, the standard drill. Ryle: T-this kid…was tougher than any other Mahzoks we fought before! No, he really wasn’t Demonlord Geo: …… Hayami: Don’t even try to run!! He tries to run. And succeeds rather well, I might add. Fina: !! Lucitta: !! !!, indeed! Ryle: Something came up Fina? “This is no time for your terrible pick-up lines!” Fina: …Now I sense CHAOS and its power very strongly! Ryle: What!? She said, “Now I sense CHAOS and its power very strongly!” Duh. Orubia: CHAOS is near its resurrection? That, or it just slammed a 5-Hour Energy. Fina: I don’t know why, but it’s power just increased significantly. Lucitta: Someone must be sending massive negative energy into CHAOS! …Wow, you really don’t get it? Really? I thought you guys were mildly Genre Savvy. The group guesses that the Demonlords were making a barrier to stop her magic Savior-senses from detecting CHAOS, but dismiss that idea as stupid, which it is. They then forget what they were talking about and decide to just move on. So we move on, and no stupid, pointless scene this time…instead there’s… A stupid, pointless battle! With clichéd lines, to boot. Raymah and Graphost apparently escaped back here before they died. Or after they died, I’m never sure of the rules involving outsiders. I beat them with Hayami in the party just to humiliate them. I’ll note here that without exception, Fina is the most powerful character in these fights. And you have to use her. Just sayin’. Are we done with this yet? Hi last Demonlord. Can we get this battle over with?[/i] Fina: As long as we get rid of you, CHAOS will be sealed forever!! Death Master: …… The Death Master and Fina vanish in a quick fadeout. That’s less convincing than a Jeanie Cut! Ryle: Damn! We got us first! Something to take solace in, I guess. We may not have much, but we got us first. Hayami: Huh? The Demonlord is gone!! “That’s a win for us then!” Ryle: !? Fina!? Orubia: Where is Sis Fina!? Tell me where in the world is… Caris: She disappeared! Mariel: Miss Fina-! Where are you? “We’ve got some work for you, now!” Lucitta: It must be! Latyss: That Demonlord is gone too! Yes, we have firmly established that both the Death Master and Fina are missing. Ryle: He took her! Hayami: Oh No! Without her, we can’t stay here much longer! “I don’t have my green card!” Latyss: Don’t worry. Fina is still alive! Orubia: Yes, because the Dimensional Field is still working. Thus smashing the myth that she had to be near them, making the whole bridge scene somehow even more pointless. Ryle: Where did she go? And…cut to where she is, a small, basically featureless area with a floor looking down onto earth. Fina: Ah! Where is this? Poughkeepsie. It’s really gone downhill since the housing crash. Death Master: It’s my little arena…just for you. Fina: So you wanted to kill me first! That’s right Demonlords and ladies, the last Demonlord is a story battle. I sarcastically didn’t think I’d see another one of those. Oh well, I can catch a nap while the battle goes on. The Death Master has of course challenged Fina mano-e-demonico as once she dies, the field protecting everyone else goes away, killing them without even getting the Master’s hands dirty. Though you’d think he’d be all about inflicting death… Fina: And that’s the biggest mistake you just made. Death Master: What? Fina: Since no one’s around, I don’t have to hold back my powers! Death Master: !! “Well, shit.” Fina: HAAAAAA!! Fina is NOT left handed! Also, I don’t know what to say about the Death Master. He looks like he forgot what color the green screen was and made half his wardrobe that color. (Or, more likely, Flare *vulgarity*ed up on the sprite and was too lazy to go back and fix it.) And what those things on the sides are…Ugh, screw this. Naturally, even with the huge stat boosts Fina gets and further buffing, the fight is still pretty pointless until they have another conversation about how the fight has been pretty pointless up to that point. Death Master: Unlike the other buffoons, I always use the most effective strategy. Fina: But not the most clever one. “Uh, no, I think cleverness is implied in most effectivvvv-yow!!!” Fina: “Omega V Buster”-!!! So Fina gets a new move even more powerful than her previous, already most-powerful move available. Occasionally, the Death Master uses some ridiculous move, and Fina teleports it away. Sometimes, though, she doesn’t, and then I have to heal, which is easy. And I press return a bunch of times. Okay, actually, you have to be a little careful; Death Master likes to lower Fina’s defense and resistance to ACIENT magic and then smack her hardcore. So it’s not quite a complete story boss. (I’m not telling you how many times I was defeated.) Still, Fina defeats the Death Master by relying on a classic rule--use magic to kill Death. Finally. She decides to celebrate the win by talking to herself. Fina: Now the final blow! The Death Master vanishes without even a final taunt. Fina: Now all the Demonlords are gone… !! Where have all the demons gone…long time passing… The music changes again, still being the only sign anything’s happening. I’m beginning to think Fina’s faking it. Fina: Not again!! The power of CHAOS has gone up more! But how? Does something got to with defeating the Demonlords!? I must rejoin the others!? I can’t believe that they haven’t figured it out. Obviously Flare thinks we’re as dumb as the characters are. Fina reappears exactly where she had been among her friends, who apparently have just been standing around and talking about it. Fina: Yo! Everyone! “Where my dogs at? Bark for me if you’re my dog.” Ryle: Fina! You’re alright!! “Damn, I lose the pool!” Caris: You are here means…the Demonlord is gone? Fina: He ran away just like the others. Orubia: I’m so relieved…to see Fina back. Oh, are you still talking about that? We’ve moved on! Mariel: Me too…thought we might never see you again… Actually, might not be too bad for Fina. The music…doesn’t change, just repeats. Lucitta: !? This is…CHAOS!! And this is…A CITY ON THE GRECIAN PENINSULA!! Fina: Everyone! We must hurry! CHAOS has become more powerful!! Ryle: WHAT!? “I SAID, Everyone…oh, forget it.” Latyss: That can’t be! Mariel: Eh!? Doncha know? Caris: How come CHAOS strengthens every time the Demonlord got away? CSI, this ain’t. Orubia: I know! That’s exactly when Sis Fina catches the signal. The Fina-signal! Let’s go! Hayami: Sessha think there’s a relationship between the two… They actually think for a second and… Ryle: That means…these Demonlords ran away to…! Fina: …To offer themselves to CHAOS!! “No, go ahead, I wasn’t saying anything. Ass.” Hayami: They became the sacrifice!! Orubia: Oh no! All we were doing was to help the Demonlords to collect CHAOS the energy it needs!? It’s like a Xanatos Gambit, except stupid. Fina: CHAOS already took 4 Demonlords by now! Latyss: It might have returned!! Lucitta: Afraid so! Ryle: CHAOS has returned!! “You really did it…You maniacs! You blew it up!” Fina: We must attack CHAOS before its power got fully restored! Ryle: But Fina! Can we beat him without using the “Cosmos Eternal”? “Oh, yeah, negativity. That’s what we need right now.” Fina: I know how it works! We have to try!! We must face him now! “Unless we choose not to…and do sidequests or something…” Ryle: Here we go the lord of Mahzoks! The translation has just gotten worse with time. The next area has a spiral galaxy below us--obviously we’ve just walked a few million light years. We walk a bit and…achtung, baby. If you need to stock up supplies or manage “attraction,” please do so now. If you want to get this damn thing over with, just march forward as fast as you can.
  18. I've got something up here. Whether it actually makes it into a OpenOffice document is the question.
  19. You didn't cite anything there, treach. ...Or was that the joke?
  20. BAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ahahahahaa... GAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Heehehe hee hee... Ahem. Sorry. ...And since when have I proved you wrong about anything, Shockwave? I'm especially not about to dispute the awesomeness of Cowboy Bebop.
  21. Sir Exal


    Where the hell is Emma Peel? ...What?
  22. Okay, I almost never write or even post on death threads...but...this is heartrending for me. I am seriously holding back tears at the library as I type this. Satoshi Kon, writer, director, and animator of anime films such as Perfect Blue, Tokyo Godfathers, and the more recent Paprika, as well as the series Paranoia Agent, died at 46 Tuesday. Just trust me when I say if you haven't seen any of his films you are sorely, sorely missing out. Click on this text for a much, much more worthy tribute to this amazing man than I can write.
  23. So, off we go then into the Astral Realm via Fina‘s Teleport. Nice to be able to do it without having to die first, I suppose. Fina makes it clear that in the Astral Realm We Cannot Go On Without Her, as she’s the one…I don’t know, making our heads not explode in the Astral Realm or something. She can’t fall unconscious. Just another fun inconvenience! I guess we’re doing our little turn on the space catwalk, on the space catwalk, on the space catwalk. Fina says her magic created what the party is walking on…except for the walls, the Mahzoks created those to block them. I’ve given up asking for explanations, so I’m not even going to bother. The first thing I find is that the road forks. Somehow Fina posits this means the Mahzoks know they are here. I thought the creation of the walls had been enough to prove that, but oh well. To the north, a small gravestone just sits there, like a random object put into the landscape. Ryle: !? Tombstone in the middle of nowhere? Well, Tombstone’s in Arizona, but close enough. Fina: Huh? Hey! Who put my name here?! I’ll break it into pieces!! Ryle: Fina wait! Don’t break it! “Only I and Caris are allowed arbitrary violence!” Fina: Why not? It’s for the bad luck you know. “Or foreshadowing.” Ryle: Leave it as road sign so we wont get lost in here. Fina: A very unpleasant road sign that is. “I got a baaad feeling about this…again…” I fight some enemies for the experience and because I like the absolutely absurd background used here. I think I saw that spacescape on a bathroom floor once. Or possibly a quilt. The next area has 6 paths. When you step on one path, you zoom to the other side uncontrollably, sort of like driving a Toyota. You take every side path you come to, so you end up nowhere near where you’d thought you’d be…which would matter if you knew where you wanted to go. As it is, it’s just as random as anything. Taking the correct one, (the second one from the top, if you must know) leads to a path and the path leads to a warp and the warp leads to a platform with a conspicuously burning fire. And the green grass grows all around. Fina: The Demonlord has been expecting us for some time… He baked a cake AND hired a band! Orubia: Demonlord! W-Where!? Caris: That fire? You mean THAT is the Demonlord? Hayami: Are you sure!? “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were the Sacred Dragoon. What? You’re not? I am? I’m the one raised to kill demons? Then don’t say anything about what is or isn’t a demon!” Latyss: Flam! What do you sense from that fire? “…Fire?” Flam: Power of fire beyond my reach… All of you, watch out! “It was always burning since the world was turning!” ???: Even you, the fire elemental, would praise the enemy to such extent. He must be a very formidable foe. Point, if the enemy has so much fire it out-fires the incarnation of fire…we may be screwed. Latyss: Who was that? Sylph: This voice!? It must be the old man! Oh, not Herbert again… Gnome: I came by in case you guys need my help. “Which is unlikely, given the nonexistence of enemies weak to earth coming up, but…” Latyss: How did you reach here? A moronic plot contrivance, how else? Gnome: It’s not that far away from our home world, and also being an elemental myself. “All the same, I will need you to put in for gas.” Latyss: Then will you lend me your power? What do you have for collateral? Gnome: Yes I will. This one is quite powerful indeed. Gnome joins with Latyss! The excitement simply never stops in Romancing Walker. Flam: Old man! You better get ready for the worst opponent ever! The New York Mets? Mariel: That strong? It looks like a small fire. Caris: I know, quite different from what I have imagined. Ryle: (Like huge fiend shooting flame out of its mouth, I guess…) Well, sor-ry our demons don’t line up with your preconceived notions. To respond, a vaguely humanoid figure appears in the fire. ????: I am the Demonlord of Inferno Magni! Ryle: Demonlord…Magni! Caris: That’s a typical “boss” name… Orubia: Sis Caris… “I’ll have you know I’m named after my grandfather, who died in Korea. Yeah. Don’t feel so good about your comment now, huh?” Hayami: (But why is he alone?) Good question! Why don’t the demons all attack at once and *insensitivity* them sideways? Mariel: I like it. Unique and easy to remember. Oh by the way, are you some kind of relative to Flam or Ifreet? Ugh, are we still talking about this? Demonlord Magni: And I also recognize you, Sacred Dragoon! The Dragon Valkyrie who sealed our Lord CHAOS with the “Dragoon Arms”!! Fina: I am the daughter of Flare Delstar! I, Fina Delstar, wont allow CHAOS to return!! “Oh, you’re not Flare? Sorry, I don’t have my contact lenses in.” Demonlord Magni: It won’t be like 20 years ago!! I’ll stop you with all might and complete the return of Lord CHAOS! “Four more years! Four more years!” Ryle: (He is gonna fight alone? Perfect chance to separate their forces.) The ones that are already separated? Mariel: Wonder if my guns are useful on the Demonlords? Somehow, they always seem to be. Hayami: Lady Mariel! We just have to do what we can at this moment!! “Kiss our asses goodbye.” Latyss talks to the elementals, Mariel is stupid again, Magical Octogram, I’m so tired of this shit. Demonlord Magni: Welcome to your doom. “Welcome…to die!” Well then, we may just be screwed. Of course we’re not. Looking out for Magni’s Flame Spirograph attack, it’s just a matter of raising elemental resistance with Fina, waiting a couple turns for him to freely heal himself, then Kugah Tenha/Omega Wave/Freezing Whip/High Laser Cannon. Sometimes if I attack with Latyss, she silences him too. Notably, this is a rare fight where Ryle is weaker than the other party members. The fight takes way too long, so while we’re waiting, in honor of Hilde being really effective against Magni for some reason…Ladies and gentlemen, the BRD. Fire and ice… Come on like a flame then you turn the cold shoulder Fire and ice… I wanna give you my love But you'll just take a little piece of my heart Actually, I could play the entire song and it wouldn’t be long enough. Sigh. But eventually, the radiation-suited demon is beaten…OR IS HE? OF COURSE NOT! Magni teleports away for no goddamn reason. Ryle: Damn! He got away! Fina: Tsk! Mariel: But run to where? Run to the hills! Run for your li-ife![/i] Orubia: Just the same as Raymah. …Pointless? Ryle: That’s right! He stepped back in order to inform others! “Hey guys! Those people we knew were coming are coming!” Latyss: It would hurt our chances! Hayami: Indeed…The security level must been heightened! Return to posts! Increase security! Ryle: We have to go forward. Time’s running out! So in deference to Ryle, we go…backward! Back to the world of the living, in fact. See, those last few battles have given us enough victory points to earn us the last reward. , Ryle is just as pleased to be able to leave the Vash sprite behind as we are because Flare thinks it’s funny. It’s not. Ryle: Don’t even think about pulling some final jokes or that sort. “I’ll kick you until I get tired again!” Man: Man you just don’t get it do ya! The magnificent world of comedy! I do, I’ve just never seen any here. Ryle: Ok~ I don’t! Man: The last one is not an item. Ryle: I knew it! Not again~ Man: A girl is waiting for you somewhere. I know there’s a girl for me somewhere and I just haven’t found her yet, but what did I earn? “A girl appeared somewhere!!” appears, as if that’s the least bit helpful. The guy gives clues as to who and where the girl is, but we already know. Man: My point is…you have to find out by yourself, the last treasure. Ryle: Then what are these points for!? A false sense of accomplishment. Man: Otherwise, there’s no way you can meet her! You just earned the possibility! Whee. Now we descend…? Ascend? Whatever. We GO into the Astral Realm, and take the right couple paths to successfully meet the bonus girl--Lucitta, from the intro. Whee. “A woman’s place is in the home, not the Astral Realm!” Mariel: And she got wings just like Miss Fina. Fina: It’s Mahzok!! Hayami: Mahzok!! Raid? Raid! Raid!! Mahzok: Yes I am. My name is Lucitta. Hold on sec! I’m not here to fight you! Of course not, first you have to talk for half an hour. Latyss: …… Orubia: …… (No sign of hostility from her?) Caris: But you are a Mahzok! We are enemies!! “You see that “Usually” next to “Evil” on my entry in the Monster Manual?” Fina: (Maybe not for now.) Lucitta: That Sacred Dragoon should know that I won’t fight with you here. “You are psychic, right?” Mariel: Then why aren’t you attacking us? Lucitta: You’re quite straight forward… “I thought we’d chat for a bit, maybe get a coffee before I told you.” Fina: Because you should be busy with the return of CHAOS! “Maybe I’m on break.” Lucitta: …So you have figured out huh? But I’m not interested in that. Hayami: But Sessha thought all the Mahozks are eagerly waiting for CHAOS come back to life! “I can see why, as I just said exactly the opposite!” Latyss: Then what do you want? Lucitta: What if I say , “To stop CHAOS from returning”, would you believe me? Everyone: Of course NOT!! “Would you believe ‘to somewhat delay him?’” “No.” “Would you believe, ‘to trip him if he walks past?’” “Nope.” “Drat.” Ryle: Everyone know that you Mahzoks are trying to take over the world with CHAOS! The creature, or the concept? Lucitta: “That’s what you humans think. Not all of us enjoy invading your world. “I just went along because my boyfriend wanted to, and then we split up and now they still expect me…” Latyss: !! Fina: …… Punctuation marks! Orubia: You mean…You don’t want CHAOS to come back? Lucitta: Nope. You’ll be surprised to know that there are many decent folks here. Mahzoks = Bad, that’s what you want to believe. …The genocide might have had something to do with that. Hayami: But you can’t live without negative energy. Now you want to stop… “I’ll have you know that junk goes straight to my thighs.” They talk some more. Latyss points out the Mahzoks didn’t appear for twenty years. Lucitta: And we didn’t collect large amount of negarive energy before. Not like now. Because we can still get enough of energy druing the peaceful times. As long as you humans exist, we don’t have to worry about our energy source. Translation: While Mahzoks feed on pain and misery, humans are big enough dicks that they can survive on what they can get normally, unless there’s a big drain on their resources, like the state of Florida or the summoning of CHAOS. Fina: You’re right on that. But I want to hear your real motive. Lucitta: Of course I didn’t come here to challenge the Sacred Dragoon. I don’t wanna die… Great, now tell us why you did come here! Fina: What’s your gain by giving up your loyalty for CHAOS? Net or gross? Lucitta: Quite simple. I don’t want any more turmoils in Astral Realm. Ryle: …I don’t get it. Bringing back CHAOS wouldn’t benefit the Mahzoks? Lucitta: Do you know what CHAOS requires besides the large some of negative energy? Ethanol. Fina: ?? Oh no!! You mean…! CHAOOS also need some Mahzoks to become the sacrifice!? DUN DUN DUN!! Hayami: His own people!? Orubia: …!! Caris: WHAT! Latyss: …! Mariel: No way~! Oh my god! The incarnation of evil might be mean!! Lucitta: Starting from 4 Demonlords, CHAOS will consume all the life forces of the surrounding Mahzoks. Ugh. Blah blah blah. Flare fought the Demonlords before, Lucitta has already been ostracized, Mariel is stupid again, and they use that dumb metaphor literally again. Lucitta wants to join Ryle specifically because of the points trade. Apparently she was in contract with the Vash guy for no reason given. Because wanting to destroy that thing that wants to kill her just isn’t a good enough reason. The other girls seem to think this is Ryle’s fault. Again, ugh. Lucitta: So, you are my new master from now on! Ryle: What-!? Latyss: Another one? Oh, NOW you begin complaining about the unlikelihood of the plot? Mariel: Mr. Ryle is like women-magnet. Don’t you (girls) think? Hayami: Ryle Dono, are you sure about this? Ryle: Is…something wrong about taking her with us? Something’s wrong about this whole thing. Caris: I don’t know… Bring a Mahzok on the surface… “We’ll just say she’s a new race put in in the new expansion book! Like shardminds!” Lucitta: Oh you don’t have to worry about that. I wont leave here. Fina: I think it’s good for the mission. We should go with her. We would’ve been under attack by now if she was lying. Like she said, not all Mahzoks are bad after all. So Ryle agrees to let her join, Lucitta thanks him…and…a…Dragon comes out. Dragon?: Hmm? So it’s you, Lucitta. I was looking for Sacred Dragoon, but end up finding you. Lucitta: Disaster Dragon… So you were searching for the Sacred Dragoon? “That is, in fact, what I just said.” Disaster Dragon: What are you talking about? Of course I am looking for the Sacred Dragoon or what else? “Where was I going to go, Detroit?” Lucitta: Hey! Would you trust me if I defeat that guy? “Would you trust me if I beat a story boss myself?“ The Dragon is mildly surprised at the betrayal, but Lucitta never considered them allies in the first place. They trade some schoolyard taunts and fight. Unfortunately for the Disaster Dragon, he can only fly in circles due to the difference in size of his wings. Every part of this battle I’m sure you can guess. Childish taunts, a reminder to heal her, and the fact that none of her attacks do damage. But they’re new and cool, (including one attack described as “go nuts for no reason”) so might as well as use a couple. Lucitta: Damn he’s stubborn! Disaster Dragon: Hm! Giving up already? I am severely starting to question the use of “Hm” to represent a laugh. Lucitta: I admit you have quite a stamina! That’s what she said! Disaster Dragon: Hm! Maybe you are weak! Lucitta: Oh come on. Won’t you go easy on me? Disaster Dragon: Too late! You should’ve asked me for mercy at the beginning. …Would it have worked? Disaster Dragon: Keh Keh Keh! I’ll savor the final moment of your life!! “Keh,” as well. Does no one here laugh normally? Lucitta: Ok ok- *shrugs* No more embarrassments in front of my new master. Jeanie! Disaster Dragon: What else can you do!? “Dark Strike” is your limit! So why… Ha! There’s no such thing as limits in this game. Lucitta: “Astrolord”-!! …”Astrolord?” Really? Lucitta: This is my full power! “Who knows why I didn’t use it before!” So yeah. I just have to attack him with Astrolord a bunch of times, remembering to keep up with that damn healing via lots of Full Potions. The Dragon heals too, just for things to be really annoying. This takes me more tries then I care to admit to finally win. At the end of the battle, the dragon says something clichéd and disintegrates, and Lucitta turns toward the party. Lucitta: My life and death is already in your hands! Please let me join you! Ryle: Even with very little chance of winning? Lucitta: I’m fully aware of that. But you guys are still willing to fight right? “…Wow, come to think of it, you guys are really stupid.” Ryle: Fine then…I welcome you as new member! Lucitta: And also as your new servant!! “Well, that’s fine and let me just welco--WHAAAA?!” The next area has snow. Considering this whole area was supposed to be created solely by Fina for the purpose of giving us somewhere to stand on, this is odd. Even odder is the fact the snowman attacks us. Even odder than that is its name. What the hell does “Fury Underson” even MEAN?! Ryle: Snowman Mahzok? Apparently. Also apparently, over a month wasn’t long enough to rehabilitate me from this. Next time to come much sooner, as now I know the therapy was useless. NEXT TIME: 3 Demonlords. 1 huge-ass dragon. CHAOS himself. And a whole lot of pointless talking.

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