Joe Fixit vs. Twi-Vamps

[Guest MarvelFan15]

Joe Fixit is walking his normal patrol around the city, on the lookout for deadbeats, criminals, and mob members who might want to pose a problem for his employers. The night is cool and the wafting breeze feels calming against his thick hide. He feels almost jolly for once in his very violent and angry life. He lunges over three city blocks towards the Luxor Casino, ready to make a few bets and collect on his payments for the week's work.

 

While there his employer, Mr. Roger Stockholm, presents him with serious news. He tosses Joe a paper, seemingly unread, with the cover page boldly proclaiming: "MURDER SPREE IN SEATTLE CONTINUES!"

 

"Joe cocks an eyebrow, and has a little chortle at Stockholm's expense. "Eh? Seattle's a ways away from us, Roger; a thousand miles, even. The hell kinda threat does some bloodthirsty psychotic pose for you? You ain't got investments up there, do ya?"

 

"That's not the point, Mr. Fixit. Far from it. I've heard S.H.I.E.L.D.'s been doing some serious investigating into these killings. What they know they've managed to keep secret, for the most part. What we've managed to uncover, however, is that whatever S.H.I.E.L.D. is dealing with worries the ever-loving shit out of them."

 

"Superhumans?" asked Joe. His voice was tainted with interest, but also carried with it a faineance that Stockholm found irksome.

 

Stockholm nodded. "We've done some investigating of our own. Superhumans are responsible, and they're all the same breed."

 

"Mutants?"

 

"Possible, but doubtful. Mutants display an amazing variety of gifts. These monsters we've found all possess the same basic traits, it seems. It's almost as if they're their own race, or their own breed of humanity."

 

"Well, you're obviously peeved about something. We're still one thousand miles away from--"

 

"Dammit, Joe, they're headed here!" The Gray Hulk remained silent, contemplating this turn of events. He wasn't bothered in the slightest about Roger's angry intonations and disrespect. "They've already killed a combined two thousand," finished Roger.

 

Joe started. He regarded the paper again, more carefully. He saw no reference to such a high number of deaths. "S.H.I.E.L.D. again," explain Roger to Joe protestations, "with the resources they've got, it's not hard to silence one single city."

 

Joe's pulse began to increase its tempo. "I'm guessing you want me to deal with these...ehh, things once they reach this city, right? If they do."

 

"They will," affirmed Roger, "and yes, I do."

 

"How the hell am I supposed to stop them before they start right away with their murder spree?"

 

"Didn't you say you knew that scientist guy, David Banner?" asked Stockholm.

 

"Bruce," replied Joe, curtly.

 

"Yeah, Bruce Banner." Roger shrugged. "Man's supposed to be a genius along the lines of Reed Richards, isn't he? We can supply you with all the black market technology you need to help Bruce set up an early warning system."

 

Joe stood up, slowly, grinding his teeth and intent on finishing this conversation. "I'll...talk with him."

 

Roger nodded, smiling. "Good."

 

Joe walked out of the office and away form the casino, his enormous form making hardly a sound as it trembled in quietly contained rage.

--

 

Joe Fixit is charged with protecting the peace of Vegas from these sparkle-ridden monsters of fangirl-lore, the Twampires.

 

Assume, for the sake of this rumble, he happens upon the vampires one night feasting on the corpses of a homeless family.

 

There are more Twampires headed to Vegas. Joe is allowed to let Banner out for periods of time to develop technology to help detect them. He has access to black market S.H.I.E.L.D. tech to suit his needs.

 

How does this battle go?

[DamagingRob]

I'm surprised this is a Rumble.

[kainboa]

How many vampires are actually there, there aren't any numbers mentioned so it's kinda hard to figure out.

[Guest MarvelFan15]

I'm surprised this is a Rumble.

 

Why?

 

How many vampires are actually there, there aren't any numbers mentioned so it's kinda hard to figure out.

 

Sorry. There are three Twampires in the initial sighting.

[Peypeypeypey]

I think Rob was saying that this could have been a real set-up

[Guest MarvelFan15]

Yeah. My actual set-ups tend to be much, much longer, however. According to my software, this Rumble has 607 words, stipulations included. My real set-ups would easily include five or six times that amount, rules and regulations excluded.

[DamagingRob]

I think Rob was saying that this could have been a real set-up

Yes.

Yeah. My actual set-ups tend to be much, much longer, however. According to my software, this Rumble has 607 words, stipulations included. My real set-ups would easily include five or six times that amount, rules and regulations excluded.

I don't think I've ever seen an "official" match, from you. I don't usually pay attention to length, when making matches. They vary.

[Guest skadoosh]

Joe has the strength of the Hulk and the intelligence of Bruce Banner, if i recall correctly, and if i do then i reckon he can beat the Vampires, especially with access to SHIELD tech.

[Guest MarvelFan15]

Thanks for the opinion.

[Guest Redemption X]

Joe doesn't even need S.H.I.E.L.D. tech, he can beat the so-called vampires with his bare hands.

[megarock58]

Joe Fixit, easily.

[kainboa]

Are we going by their stated capabilities, meaning what the characters themselves have said about their powers, or are we merely going by the few showings we have from the movies/books where they actually use their powers?

 

since that is going to make a fairly large difference,

[Guest MarvelFan15]

Are we going by their stated capabilities, meaning what the characters themselves have said about their powers, or are we merely going by the few showings we have from the movies/books where they actually use their powers?

 

since that is going to make a fairly large difference,

 

All stated capabilities have been nothing more than hyperbole thus far. So, what's been shown.

 

But you could also do a theoretical run down where they are allowed their hypothetical abilities.

[Guest bigballerju]

The Vampires are screwed if Bruce Banner is given Shield tech and prep. Bruce will not only detect them he will find out their weakness for Joe to use in case he needs it. Shield has knowledge on almost everything and Bruce could use their database to find out what type of vampires are they. Once Joe Fixit is back in control the vampires all die horrible deaths with Joe who will not only be waiting for them but will know about their weakeness thanks to Bruce. There weakness being fire.

 

Funny thing is Joe won't need their weakness anyways. Joe will have knowledge on that just in case the vampires surprise him in any way. Joe is powerful enough to rip them apart easily without breaking a sweat.

[Guest sirmethos]

All stated capabilities have been nothing more than hyperbole thus far. So, what's been shown.

 

But you could also do a theoretical run down where they are allowed their hypothetical abilities.

 

The problem with "what's been shown." is that we haven't been shown anywhere near the upper limit of their capabilities.

 

They only have very few feats of strength and speed, and neither of those feats are shown to require any kind of effort, which means that their capabilities are clearly above what they've shown in their feats.

 

 

With the "stated capabilities", their strength is easily calculated from two statements, however, those two statements puts their strength at wildly different levels(primarily due to the fact that stephanie meyer has never heard of math).

 

1. That vampires are "thousands of times stronger than any human.". Which puts them at a minimum of Peak Human Strength, multiplied by 2000(thousands - plural). Quickly calculated out, using the standard "peak human strength" from comics, we get 2200000 lbs(997,9 tons)

 

2. That vampires are "able to lift objects hundreds of times their own weight." Assuming that vampires are at roughly the ideal weight for their height, that would put someone like the Twinkling Twit(who is according to the wikia, 185 centimeters, which puts the ideal weight at around 69 to 101 kilograms) at a minimum of 1,4 - 20,2 tons.

 

 

I can't be arsed doing the math in my head, for the feat of stopping the truck with a single hand, leaving a visible hand print in the truck. But by my estimate, and the fact that that particular feat took no effort at all, I would say that their strength is definitely somewhere above the second statement.

 

Another statement about their strength, that is somewhat more vague, is that "there is next to no difference, in the effort needed to simply touch a human, or crush their bones.". That particular statement, kinda brings my mind to the quote from Superman, about "living in a world of cardboard.", which kinda lends credit to the first statement. Particularly since I know the kind of power required to simply break human bones, let alone crush them.

 

 

As for their speed, there is only two real statements, and only one real feat.

 

The two statements:

 

1. Vampires "are able to run in excess of a hundred miles per hour."

 

2. "When vampires run, they become "all but invisible". "

 

The feat, is considerably more impressive(keeping in mind their strength). The sparkling stalker was able to, after the ball was hit, run partway across their baseball field, and intercept a ball that one of the other twampires had hit. Which shows both impressive speed, and reflexes.

 

 

Another piece of information that hasn't been given, since we are dealing with 3 unknown vampires here. Is what kind of 'gifts' they have. Since, just like the Anne Rice vampires, the twampires each have an individual 'power', like the telepathy of the incandescent idiot.

 

Depending on which specific 'gifts' these three twampires have, those 'gifts' might play a part in determining who wins the fight. A precog, like one of the twampires in the books/movies, would make it extremely difficult to defeat them, likewise would an empathic manipulator, while other more mundane powers(like extra enhanced speed, or other similar things) would have a smaller, but still noticeable, impact on the outcome.