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Tournament - Cú Chulainn vs. King Gilgamesh


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“She’s a wicked old hag my lady! We shouldn’t be seeking her out!”
“Quiet fool! I know very well what I’m dealing with.”
“Queen Mebd, I understand we’ll need all the help we can for the coming battle, but she- she’ll turn us all to frogs if we’re not careful!”
“Lugaid if you haven’t the stomach to avenge your father feel free to scurry back to your castle and hide! But I for one will not flee while we are so close to our goal!”
Queen Mebd and her entourage had traveling through the swampy forest for quite some time now, and it hadn’t been a pleasant journey. The dense, inhospitable wilds was scary enough on it’s own to discourage travelers, the fact that it was home to a particularly malevolent entity made even the bravest of men too fearful too enter it. But the Queen’s was no man and the hatred she held for a certain individual drove her further into the foreboding woods, until she and her men found themselves upon a small, unassuming cottage in the middle of a swamp.
“It’s still not to late to leave your grace.” Lugaid tried once more to dissuade her.
“Not until I’ve gotten what I came for,” The Queen insisted.
The Queen and her forces very cautiously began to approach the cottage, looking around for the one they sought, the one being that no other native of Ireland would ever wish to seek out.
“Well, well, what have we here?”
The Queen’s soldiers nearly jumped out of their armor at the cackling old voice. As they turned to the source of the voice they saw with their own eyes the figure their Queen had sought out: she was a grey-haired hag, short of stature, and wore very old, dirty clothes that looked like they hadn’t been washed in a long while. To an unassuming man, she would appear to be a regular harmless old crone, but the soldiers knew very well who she was and as the haggard old women’s sneering face approached them these brave men who had witnessed plenty battles in the past quickly cowered behind their Queen, even the soon-to-be King Lugaid couldn’t fight the urge to back up so that Queen Mebd was between him and the wicked old lady.
“Now what would bring such courageous, proud Celtic soldiers so far into my forest? Surely you lot know where you are, surely you know who we are,” Seeing the armed men huddle behind their Queen made the wicked women cackle. “Ah so you lads have heard of us. Tsk, tsk, wee little lads are so easy to frighten.”
“But a Queen isn’t so easily intimidated witch,” Queen Medb firmly told the older lady.
“I would hope not dearie. Go on then, tell us your purpose in seeking us out, and for your sake dearie, you will refer to us by our name,” The mysterious old hag warned her.
“The Morrigan, Phantom Queen of death and battle, I Queen Mebd of Connacht have sought you out because we share a common enemy, one whose death would bring us both a great deal of pleasure,” Queen Medb declared to The Morrigan.
“You’ll have to be more specific dearie, their are many who would call The Morrigan their greatest foe, although we would be hard pressed to remember any of their names,” The wicked witch sneered.
“I speak of the one who thrice insulted you to your face and who thrice wounded you in battle, I speak of the one known as The Hound of Ulter, I speak of Cú Chulainn!” Queen Medb finally revealed.
“Ah, so then the moment has finally arrived has it? Yes, we had long known the embittered Queen Medb would make plans for the final battle with Cú Chulainn. This was one of many paths you would have undertaken, but truthfully we always found this one to be the most interesting,” The Morrigan monologued.
“So you will help me then? You will find me the warrior I seek?” The Queen asked.
“Not so fast dearie, we made no such promise of aid. We have foreseen many different paths that would lead to the son of Lug’s death and this particular one would be most taxing on our powers,” The Morrigan informed her.
“But it is possible isn’t it? You could find someone who could kill Cú Chulainn?”
“The Morrigan has traveled to many different cultures throughout the world dearie, she has seen countless warriors of great renown, but for one who could match Cú Chulainn in combat their is one in particular that comes to mind,” The witch pointed her old decrepit finger toward the small pond next to the women.
Looking into the water, Queen Mebd at first found nothing remarkable about the soggy, murky green water. She would have accused the witch of wasting her time, had the water not began to shift and morph before the Queen’s very eyes. A vision had shown itself to Mebd and in it she saw a foreign land that looked hot and arid, the people of this land were brown-skinned and had deep dark eyes. It would be the figure leading the large group of foreigners that caught Mebd’s eyes the most. He was physically very pleasing to the Queen’s eyes, very tall with a godlike body that carried himself with much self confidence and strength, he wore exotic looking clothes that marked him as a very important individual to his people, a ruler perhaps?
“He is called King Gilgamesh, a demigod like Cú Chulainn who hails from the faraway land of Babylon. The Morrigan has seen him accomplish many impressive feats, ones many would call epics. But to bring him here to Ireland would require us to rewrite the fates of this land to a degree never done before. So pray tell dearie, why should we go to such trouble for you?” The dark goddess asked.
“For me? Forgive my ignorance The Morrigan, but I had been told you were the goddess of war and battle. That your role above all others is to incite brave warriors to battle and to see them clash and fight wars that will be told for centuries afterwards. And if this King Gilgamesh is as great a warrior as you say he is, what battle would be more glorious then one between him and Cú Chulainn? A clash between two demigods, two of the greatest warriors fate has ever produced, living paragons of combat and bloodshed, what so called goddess of death would not desire to instigate the battle to end all battles? I beseech you The Morrigan, do not do this me, do this because it is your nature to do it,” Queen Mebd implored her.
“Well spoken Queen Medb, very well spoken,” The Morrigan slowly began to cackle, softly at first, then it got louder and louder until it began to echo across the swamp with an otherworldly tone to it. The Queen and her forces watched in horror and fascination as the Morrigan raised her hands and an ethereal glow came from her palms, glowing brighter and brighter as the Phantom Queen spoke aloud: “I call upon all the forces of the known world, twist and shift the fate of these two men, bring about a battle that will be told until the end of time itself!”
“Come on lads! Ulaid will not fall today! Hold this line!”
At the call of Cú Chulainn the warriors of Ulster locked their legs and held their ground. The unknown enemy was on them in half a second, trying to break them down and crush them into submission. The Celtic soldiers endured the assault for as long as they could, until a cavalry force under Conall Cernach swept through the enemy troops and forced them to withdraw. The Celtic warriors used the lull between the battle to regroup and discuss their next plan.
“I recognized the banners of Medb Feidlech and Lugaid Mac Con Roí, but those soldiers just now, I had never seen their kind before,” Conall Cernach explained to his Celtic brothers.
“What are we going to do with them? We got no way of knowing how many of them their are or if more of them will be coming,” Lóegaire Búadach asked.
“You lads gotta hold this position, if we lose this crossroads, they’ll be able to march on Cooley within the fortnight. I’ll take care of this mysterious enemy force myself,” vowed Cú Chulainn.
The Ulstermen cheered as they watched the Hound of Ulster mount his horse and pursued the enemy. As the great Celtic hero came upon the foreign forces camp he leapt from his horse and entered into his ríastrad state: turning into a large, monstrous shaped creature Cú Chulainn fell upon his foes, killing many dozens of men within a minute. As he prepared to pursue the ones fleeing in terror, he was blindsided by a strike that sent him flying back into a tree. Having morphed back to normal, Cú shook his head and observed the one warrior who hadn’t fleed with the others, no doubt the leader of these unknown enemy.
“Now don’t get me wrong laddie, I know I’ve gone and pissed a shite load of bastards and slags over the years, but I’m pretty sure if I pissed off someone like you I would’ve remembered it,” Cú Chulainn wondered.
“We have never had the pleasure of meeting, Cú Chulainn the Hound of Ulster. While I lament having to kill a man who hasn’t wronged me first, fate has sadly conspired to pit us against each other. So as we began our fight to the death, I want you to-”
“What day is it again?”
“Excuse me?”
“I think I might’ve gotten a wee concussion from getting sacked against the bloody tree, so remind me again, it is Saturday right?” Cú Chulainn asked.
“Yes,” The man confirmed.
“Ah, lovely. Not that bad then. Sorry to interrupt, please go on,” Cú Chulainn waved him on.
“... So before we began our fight to the death, I want you to know that King Gilgamesh, king of all heroes consider you a worthy-“
‘Gulp, gulp, gulp’
“What are you doing?”
“Sorry, throat was getting a little dry, sides a little drink ‘fore battle helps put me in the mood. Keep going now lad,” Cú Chulainn urged him to continue as he took another swing of his flask.
“That I King of all heroes consider you a worthy and honorable opponent! And that the tales of our battle will be told throughout all-”
“What in the- what is wrong with you!” King Gilgamesh demanded.
“Well that’s usually a sign that the tank is full King Gill sir. Now since it sounds like you still got half a speech left, I might need to have a quick piss before we go at it,” Cú Chulainn explained.
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” The King of Heroes sighed.
“I’m serious laddie. Unless you want me pissing on you during our epic battle to the death you might want to look away. Unless you fancy watching another man piss,” Cú Chulainn said as he unzipped his trousers.
“Why did I expect anything more from a young idiot,” King Gilgamesh rubbed the bridge between his eyes.
“Who you calling an idiot? Least I’m not attacking a man I barely know because ‘fate’ told me so,” The Hound of Ulster replied.
“You have no idea what is at stake here. No idea what I was promised in exchange for killing you,” Gilgamesh voice was laced of anger.
“Let me guess: a nice lofty castle with a great view? A lifetime of meat and beer to grow old and fat with? Or maybe a lovely new wife with nice tits?” Cú mocked as he pulled his trousers back up.
“Something far more precious then that, something I have been searching for years to obtain. I wouldn’t expect you to understand, your still too young and dumb to think about how much time you got left in this world,” The King readied his spear and shield.
“Gilly, when your told on your seventh birthday that your destined to die young and violently, all you can think about is how much time you got left. Just because I’ve chosen not to act like a moody, angsty little shite about it doesn’t mean I don’t think about it daily, or wonder how painful it’ll be when it happens,” Seeing Gilgamesh readying himself, Cú Chulainn prepared his own spear to fight. “It just means I’ve learned to live in the moment, to enjoy life while I got it and not waste it worrying me-self to death about, well, death.”
“I wish I could have that mindset, but we’re long past that point. Ready yourself Hound of Ulster,” King Gilgamesh warned him.
When two legendary demigods of different cultures fight who will win?
Hope you guys enjoy my entry for the March 2021 Flash Fiction Tournament.
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Fun fact, I was originally going to pit Cú Chulainn against Maui from Moana, until I remembered that Maui was a potential Star buster (“Also I lassoed the sun! Your welcome! To stretch your days and bring you fun!”). Figured I’d go for a less lob sided matchup.

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Great tournament entry. Excellent use of Irish myth setting up the battle. Entertaining start to finish with good characterization, dialogue writing and descriptive passages.

I enjoyed it, thanks for the read!

  • Thanks 1
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If this was the Fate versions of these characters, Gilgamesh would win in a stomp!

But since these are the original mythological versions.... Well, it's... kind of hard to say who wins! Pretty entertaining though!

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Match Final Results

Member Ratings:
4.50 - Fox
5.00 - patrickthekid
4.50 - DSkillz

FPA Calculation:
3 Total Votes cast
14.00 Total Combined Score
14.00 / 3 = 4.67 Final Rating on the match

Cúchulainn: 2
King Gilgamesh: 4

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