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How to support MagneticFerret

Match 18907 The Archies vs. Josie and the Pussycats

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A large crowd had gathered outside the theater where Archie’s Funhouse was filmed.  There were shouts of excitement as a red van turned the corner and pulled up to the curb.  Archie and his friends leaned over the railing by the front door of the theater and watched as Josie and Pussycats climbed out in their leopard spotted outfits to cheers and whistles. 

“Wow!” said Jughead.  “Dig those crazy costumes!”  Reggie smirked at Jughead as the Pussycats waved to the crowd.  “So, you like those outfits, Juggy?” 

“Yeah, they’re out of sight!” 

“Fine.  I’ll get you one for yourself.  You’ll probably have to let it out a little.  Haw haw!” 

Veronica sniffed the air and folded her arms.  “They look a little tacky if you ask little ol’ me.” 

“Oh, lighten up, Ronnie!” Betty said.  “They look groovy!  This’ll be the best show we’ve ever done!”  Jughead’s dog Hot Dog let out a yawn.  “Given how a lot of these shows go,” he thought to himself.  “That isn’t saying much.” 

“Now just relax, gang,” said Archie.  “It is really exciting that the Pussycats wanted to be on the Funhouse, but we still need to be professional.  Just keep cool.” 

“Hi there!” 

Archie turned around to see Josie standing behind him with her hand out.  “You must be Archie Andrews!  Thanks for letting us on your show!”  Archie stammered and sputtered as he shook Josie’s hand.  “Uh uh uh, yeah, I’m Andrew Archie!  Er, welcome to the Cat House!” 

“Way to ‘keep cool’, Arch,” snickered Reggie.  Veronica and Betty watched closely as Archie continued to fumble through his welcome.  “Archikins seems really smitten by Josie, isn’t he?” said Veronica.  “He’s just being polite,” said Betty with a hint of jealousy.  “But it’s alright.  As long as he remembers who is real girlfriend is.” 

“That’s right!” 

“Me!” Veronica and Betty looked awkwardly at each other when they realized they had spoken in unison.  They gave both gave a short, embarrassed laugh then turned away to glance up at the sky. 

Josie smiled and gestured to the girls behind her.  “Well, here’s the rest of the group!  This is Valerie on bass and Melody on the drums.”  Jughead walked over to the blonde Pussycat.  “Say, you really are something on your records.   Maybe we can do a drum duet for the show.” 

“Yeah!  That would be fun!” Melody said cheerfully.  “Us drummers gotta stick together!  Heeheehee!”  Jughead looked confused.  “Huh?”  Valerie rolled her eyes and put a friendly arm around Melody, still giggling from her own pun.   “Don’t mind her.  She fell on her head this morning and knocked herself conscious.” 

Josie turned her attention to the three teens walking up the sidewalk to join them.  “This is Alex Cabot, our manager, and this is Alan M., my boyfr… er.. haha.  I mean our roadie.” 

“Ahem.”  Josie winced as she heard the serious looking girl with black hair and holding a cat in her arms clear her throat.  “Oh!  And this is Alex’s sister, Alexandra Cabot.” 

“Nice to meet you,” said Betty.  “What do you do for the group?” 

“Yell a lot, mostly,” Melody giggled.  Alexandra glared at Melody then turned back to Betty.  “I’m the one keeping these ding-a-lings in line.  Something that my brother should be doing if he were any good at his job!”  Alex nervously pulled at the collar of his sports shirt.  “Come on, sis, cut me some slack!  I got us this gig, didn’t I?”  Alexandra gave a haughty look at the theater.  “Wow.  A kiddie show in an old, drafty dump.  You’re a regular William Morris.” 

“Dump, huh?!” fumed Betty.  Archie held up a hand to block her.  “Take it easy, Betty!  It is kind of an older building, but I know we’re going to have a great time with the show!  Hey, Big Moose!”  The musclebound friend to the Archies lumbered over to their side.  “Duuuh, you called, Arch?” Moose said dully.  “How about helping unload the Pussycats’ van while we give them the layout of the show?” 

“Duuuuh, okay.” 

“You don’t have to do that, Archie,” said Alan M. as Moose headed for the van.  “I can help out Moose with our equipment.”  Alexandra sidled up to Alan M. and linked arms with him.  “Aw, let that big gorilla do it, Alan,” she said, putting on her sweetest voice.  “It would be a real help if you stayed here, with me.” 

“Oh brother,” muttered Josie.  Alex coughed nervously.  “Uh, so, Archie, what you got in mind for the show?  It looks out of this world on television!” 

“Yeah,” said Valerie.  “How do you do all those wild effects?” 

“Oh.  Well, that’s kind of a show secret, Valerie.  Sabrina takes care of that.” 

“Sabrina?” Melody said excitedly.  “The girl who does those cute magic tricks?  She’s here too?” 

“Yep, and she and her aunts are the ones who rig everything up.  They’re really something.  They don’t even tell us how they make half the kooky things in the Funhouse work.”  Reggie walked next to Josie and puffed out his chest.  “I have my own ideas about how they do it if you want to talk some more.  Maybe we can get a bite to eat before the show?”  Josie looked uncomfortably at Alan and Alex.  “Um, that’s nice and all, Reggie but I…” 

“Duuuuh, Reg?”  Reggie turned in annoyance to see Big Moose carrying all of the Pussycats luggage, his legs shaking from the strain.  “What is it, Moose?” 

“Where does Archie want me to put all this stuff?” 

“Just put it anywhere!  Can’t you see I’m busy?” 

“But, Reg!” 

“Just put it down anywhere!” 

“Duuuuh, okay!” 

With a great thud, Moose let the Pussycats belongings land with a thud onto the ground and Reggie’s foot.  “YEOW!  What’s the matter with you, you big lummox?!” 

“Duuuuh, but you said to…” 

“Never mind what I said!”  Reggie turned back to see Josie and the rest of the teenagers making their way into the theater.  Reggie grumbled as he nursed his injured foot.  “Sabrina and her aunts better have cooked up a good show tonight!” 


“Of all the indignities I’ve had to put up with in my 600 years!” Hilda ranted.  “This takes the tombstone for sure!”  Hilda paced the floor of the dressing room as Sabrina sat at a mirror and Zelda stood fidgeting in the corner.  Hilda went on as Sabrina used her magic to suspend a brush in midair to apply her makeup.  “Honestly!  Just when I thought this show couldn’t get more unbearable, they go and find another bunch of loud, happy teenagers!  Grr, it’s enough to make me tear my hair out!” 

“Now, auntie,” said Sabrina as her cat Salem strolled across the counter to her and sat down.  “The Pussycats are just as good a band as the Archies.  I can’t wait to meet them!”  Salem purred and Sabrina grinned at him.  “And I’m not the only one, am I, Salem?”  Salem meowed and arched his tail, causing his fur coat to change into Pussycat leopard spots. 

“And here we are!” Hilda continued to complain.  “We have enough magic in our little fingers to send all these brats running for the hills!  And what are we doing instead?  Using our magic for a bunch of cheap gags that any first year witch could do, so these teenagers can tell their crummy jokes and play that noisy rock n’ roll!” 

“But, Hilda dear,” Zelda said cautiously.  “These are Sabrina’s friends!  Isn’t it alright for us to use our magic this way if it’s to help her?”  Hilda scowled.  “You’re getting soft in your old age, Zelda!  We are witches!  We should be doing wicked, bad things with our powers!”  Sabrina tugged her ear and the brush lowered back onto the counter.  “Please, Aunt Hilda.  Don’t do anything rash tonight!  Archie and the others have been planning this show for weeks.  I’d hate it if something went wrong.  Please, Aunt Hilda?  Aunt Zelda?  For me?”  Zelda took hold of Sabrina’s hands and nodded.  “Of course, my dear.  We’ll keep this show going.  Won’t we, Hilda dear?”  Hilda slouched in the chair and scowled, but finally shrugged.  “Yes, yes we will.”  Sabrina hugged Zelda and ran over to hug Hilda.  “Thank you, aunties!  You won’t regret it!  I’ll bet you’ll love Josie and the Pussycats and the show tonight too!  Come on, Salem!  We need to go check on the props for my magic trick.  Oh!  And don’t forget to use some spot remover!”  Salem glanced at his still spotted coat, pointed his tail, and changed back to normal.  He bounded off the counter out the door after Sabrina.  As Zelda her head and sighed, Hilda muttered under her breath.  “Oh, I’ll love the show alright!  And it’ll be a show these pesky kids won’t soon forget!  Heh heh heh!” 


A few hours later the theater was filled to capacity with screaming, cheering children.  Archie stood on the stage in front of a model of the Funhouse and addressed the crowd.  “Welcome, everybody, to Archie’s Funhouse!  Featuring the Giant Jukebox!  And tonight we’ve got a real treat for you all!  Because tonight’s special guests are none other than the coolest cats in the world: Josie and the Pussycats!” 

The audience burst into applause as Josie and her friends walked onto the stage.  “Thanks for having us on the show, Archie,” said Josie awkwardly as she tried to remember her lines.  “And I can’t wait for our battle of the bands later tonight.” 

“And don’t worry, Josie,” said Archie.   “Even though this is our show, I promise the contest will be on the level.” 

“Gee,” said Melody wide eyed.  “I thought it was going to be on the stage.” 

There were groans and laughter from the audience.  Valerie gave Josie a nudge.  “Psst.  Josie, that’s your cue.” 

“Err, yeah.  And the Pussycats are going to win this thing fair and square.”  Reggie, Betty, and Veronica walked onto the stage behind the Pussycats.  “Don’t be sure of that when Ol’ Mr. Talent Reggie Mantle is around!” Reggie bragged.  “Just don’t be trying any tricks to win, Reggie!” warned Betty.  “Please!” snorted Reggie.  “If I’ve learned one thing from the Pussycats it’s that cheetahs never prosper!  Haw haw!” 

“Sheesh!” Valerie said under her breath to Melody.  “I sure hope all the jokes on this show aren’t that corny!”  Melody however wasn’t listening.  “Heeheehee!  Cheetahs never prosper!  Heeheehee!  Like cheaters and we’re cats!  Heeheehee!”  Valerie sighed and couldn’t help but smile at Melody, but behind her she couldn’t see Josie flinch and a strange, red glow flash in her eyes for a second. 

“Say, Alexandra!” Alex said.  “Maybe we could use a few more Pussycats in our group!  What do you say, Betty, Veronica?  How’s about jumping on board with our outfit?” 

“Gee, I don’t know,” grinned Betty.  “Don’t you think that would be kind of catty of us?” 

“Don’t bother, Alex!” Josie snarled over the laughter.  “We’re looking for Pussycats, not alley cats!” 

The crowd oohed in shock as Betty and Veronica’s jaws dropped.  “Alley cats?!” gasped Veronica.  “Well, I never!”  Archie hurriedly jumped in front of the girls and turned to the audience.  “Yes sir!  Looks like we got quite a show in the old Funhouse tonight!  But now, here’s Jughead and the girl who always gets her man: Big Ethel!” 

The teenagers all exited into the wings as Ethel and Jughead went into their act.  “What was that alley cat crack about?” Betty asked indignantly.  “Yeah!” said Veronica.  “That wasn’t even in the script!” 

“I could tell,” snickered Alexandra, her eyes flashing red.  “It was actually funny!” 

“Oh, you think so, do you?” snapped Betty. 

Alan M. got in between Betty and Alexandra.  “Come on, girls, knock it off!” 

“Why don’t you mind your own business, meathead?” sneered Reggie. 

“Don’t let that creep talk to you like that, Alan!” said Josie. 

“If you got a problem with my sister, you got a problem with me!” shouted Alex.  He shrank back as Big Moose loomed over him glaring.  “Duuuh, and if you got a problem with me, you got a duuuh.. a big problem!” 

Sabrina and Salem looked on in bewilderment as the teenagers’ arguing grew louder and their eyes continued to glow.  “Archie!  What’s gotten into everyone?!” 

“Never you mind, Sabrina!” barked Archie.  “We’ve got a show to do, and we’re going to do it!  As long as a bunch of leotard wearing prima donnas stick to their lines!” 

“How about you amateurs write us some decent jokes, and then we’ll say them?!” shouted Valerie. 

Jughead ran backstage, his eyes flickering.  “Hey, gang!  Ethel’s almost finished!  Are our so-called guests ready or do we need to empty their litter boxes for ‘em?”  Melody gasped.  “Now that wasn’t very nice!” 

“Wow, for a second I was afraid he was going too fast for you!” grumbled Archie.  “Now come on!  Get on stage for Thunderbolt Theater!” 

“Please, Archie!” Sabrina begged as the teenagers all stomped out in front of the curtain.  “Can’t we just wait for a minute for everybody to calm down?” 

“Sorry, Sabrina.  But the sooner we can be done with these Pussycats, the better!”  Archie plastered a fake looking smile on his face as he hit the stage to the sounds of thunder and lightning.  “Thunderbolt Theater!  With quick, drippy gags from our kooky cast!”  The audience applauded as the Archies and the Pussycats arranged themselves around the stage. 

“Did you hear that the Pussycats once performed in space?” Betty asked Veronica.  “Yes,” Veronica said glaring.  “That must’ve been where Melody left her brain!” 

“Oh yeah?” shouted Josie.  “Hey, Alan!  You know I never miss an Archie concert?” 

“You don’t?” replied Alan. 

“Yeah.  I don’t go to them, and I don’t miss ‘em!” 

“Arch!” shouted Reggie.  “What do you get if you cross Josie with a guitar?” 

“A girl with no talent!” 

“Alexandra!  Did you hear that Betty is getting her hair done on Friday?” 

“Really, Valerie?  Does that mean she won’t get it back until Monday?” 

Sabrina stared in disbelief as the jokes grew more and more insulting.  “Something’s gone terribly wrong, Salem,” Sabrina said.  “I have a bad feeling Aunt Hilda’s behind this!” 

Hot Dog wandered over to Sebastian, who was also watching the war of words with great interest.  “Say, cat,” Hot Dog said.  “I know we cats and dogs don’t have a great track record of getting along.  But how’s about you and me help our teenagers break this thing up?”  Sebastian hissed and walked around Hot Dog, before grinning nastily and slashing at Hot Dog’s rear with his claws.  “YEOW!” Hot Dog yiped.  His eyes glowed red as he whirled around to see Sebastian snickering and running for the stage.  “Alright!  Let’s stay on track, then!” 

Barking angrily, Hot Dog lunged after Sebastian, who yowled and ran towards a prop table covered in custard pies for Thunderbolt Theater.  The force of the two pets colliding into the table sent two of the pies hurtling through the air and splatting into the faces of Josie and Valerie.  Reggie and Jughead burst out laughing as the two Pussycats wiped away the remnants of crust.  “Haw haw!  Look at that, Juggy!” Reggie guffawed.  “I didn’t even know cats liked pie!” 

“Yeah, Reg!” laughed Jughead.  “But they sure like cream, don’t they?  Har har!” 

Josie’s eyes now burned dark crimson.  “So, you think that’s funny, do you?!  Well have some of this!”  Valerie and Josie grabbed two more pies and hurled them, causing Reggie and Jughead to duck.  The pies then flew right into Betty and Veronica.  Sabrina buried her head in her hands as pies were soon being hurled from one side of the stage to the other.  “This is a disaster!” 

“Heh heh heh!  Yes, and isn’t it wonderful?”  Sabrina looked up to see Hilda rubbing her hands gleefully and Zelda looking nervous.  Sabrina put her hands on her hips and glared at her aunts.  “Oh, Aunt Hilda!  You’ve put some kind of hex on them, haven’t you?  Well, you just take it off right this minute!  The show is going to be ruined!”  Hilda snorted.  “None of my concern.  This is the most fun I’ve had in this theater in months!  I’m going to find a spot to watch the rest of the action!  And if you two were any real witches you’d do the same!” 

As Hilda disappeared in a puff of smoke, Archie shouted instructions.  “Veronica!  Go backstage and get more pies!  We’ll teach these cats not to mess with our show!” 

“On it, Archikins!”  Veronica moved towards the wings only for Josie to grab her by the hair.  “Oh no you don’t!”  Veronica shrieked in pain as Josie dragged her back on stage.  Betty ran to her friend’s aid.  “Get away from her, you witch!”  Archie charged ahead and shouted to the others as Betty tackled Josie.  “Get ‘em, gang!”  Archie turned around right into a punch from Alan M.  “Think again, wiseguy!” 

“Aunt Zelda, this is terrible!” Sabrina moaned.  “Isn’t there anything we can do?” 

“I I I don’t know, dear,” said Zelda.  “It seems to be a very specific spell Hilda has cast.  I would have to go back to the house and go through my books to find the exact incantation to reverse it!” 

“Then go!  Salem and I will try to keep things under control here!”  Sabrina looked at the stage where the Pussycats, the Archies and their friends were in the middle of an all out brawl.  “But, please hurry, Aunt Zelda!  If this keeps up, someone’s liable to get hurt!” 


The Archies: Archie, Reggie, Betty, Veronica, and Jughead plus Big Moose and Hot Dog. 

Josie and the Pussycats: Josie, Valerie, and Melody plus Alan M, Alex, Alexandra and Sebastian. 

All are under the effects of Hilda’s hex and will continue to fight each other until all of one side are defeated or Sabrina can undo the spell. 

Game On! 

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Very good set-up, broadway. It's been a looong time since I've watched or read anything Archie-related, and I'm not sure I've ever seen or watched Josie and the Pussycats. From what I can tell, though, you seem to have all the characters right in line with the time period they're all set in. 

As for the match, it looks like Josie's band could probably win a straight fight. Judging from a glimpse of both shows, it looks like Josie and co. are more used to dealing with danger on a regular basis (unless we count Archie vs. Predator? Not sure), and Alan seems to be smarter muscle than Big Moose. Still, I think Sabrina and Zelda will probably figure out how to undo Hilda's spell before things got too serious. 


EDIT: BTW, I wonder if A.D.A. Alexandra Cabot from SVU was named after Alexandra Cabot from Josie and the Pussycats? Their personas don't seem that far off from one another. 

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Match Final Results

Member Ratings:
4.80 - DSkillz

FPA Calculation:
1 Total Votes cast
4.80 Total Combined Score
4.80 / 1 = 4.80 Final Rating on the match

The Archies: 0
Josie and the Pussycats: 1

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The supporting cast of Archie’s Funhouse hid in a closet as the sounds of combat outside grew louder and louder.  “My poor Juggy,” cried Big Ethel.  “My lover boy has gone crazy!” 

“It does seem highly illogical for them all to behave in this manner,” wheedled Dilton Doiley.  “Mr. Weatherbee!” said Miss Grundy.  “You’re the principal!  You must go out there and restore order!” 

Mr. Weatherbee gulped and opened the door a crack, only to have a 2x4 smash against the doorframe.  Weatherbee swiftly shut the door and put his back against it.  “Um… perhaps it would be best if I remained here to umm oversee the situation from here.” 

Sabrina had magically teleported herself and Salem up into the heavens above the Funhouse stage.  Below her the Archies and the Pussycats were fighting and chasing each other.  Valerie hurled an empty pie tin that Sabrina magically filled with a cream pie.  It still struck Betty in the face and dropped her, but at least pie filling was less harmful than metal.  Meanwhile Sebastian had jumped on Hot Dog’s back and was digging his claws into him, causing the Archie’s dog to run around the stage howling in pain.  “Oh, Aunt Zelda where are you?” whispered Sabrina.  Salem meowed and Sabrina saw Reggie and Alex advancing on each other with metal folding chairs.  “You want to go, jockhead?” snarled Alex.  “Oh, take a seat, you jerk!” shouted Reggie.  Sabrina tugged her ear as the two boys raised their weapons.  When the chairs swung down, Sabrina’s magic had transformed them into pillows that ripped open on contact.  Reggie and Alex sputtered as feathers flew everywhere.  “What the… What happened?” coughed Reggie. 

“I can’t keep an eye on everyone at once,” grumbled Sabrina.  “I wish Aunt Zelda could find that spell!”  Unfortunately, Alexandra had snuck up behind Reggie and smashed a pitcher of water on his head.  “Thanks for the assist, sis!” said Alex. 

“Oh, shut up and keep fighting!” shrieked Alexandra. 

Alan M was caught in bear hug by Moose.  He strained and groaned as the Archie’s muscle squeezed tighter and tighter.  “Duh, you better just duuuh give up!” said Moose.  “Fat… chance, meathead!” gasped Alan. 

“Oh, Moose!” 

Moose turned to see the Pussycats standing off stage waving at him cheekily.  “Hey, big boy!  You sure are strong!” called out Josie. 

“And handsome, too!” chimed in Valerie. 

“Heehee!  Bet you can’t catch us!” snickered Melody. 

Moose’s red eyes darkened.  “Duh, so you do, do ya?”  Moose dropped Alan to stage then ran straight for the Pussycats.  Josie held up a hand as Moose was only a few feet away.  “Steady… steady…. NOW!”  The Pussycats jumped out the way of Moose and he collided headfirst into the brick wall they were standing in front of.  Jughead ran towards the unconscious Moose.  “Hey, Moose!  Are you all UMPH!”  Alan had kicked Jughead’s legs out from under him and sent him sprawling.  “He’ll be doing better than you, you beatnik loser!” Alan shouted with a stomp to his head. 

Suddenly Zelda teleported on the fly line next to Sabrina.  “Oh dear!  Oh me!  I see things haven’t gotten any better!” 

“No, Auntie,” said Sabrina.  “Please tell me you were able to find Hilda’s spell!”  The sound of Josie screaming interrupted Zelda before she could answer.  Veronica had gotten a hold of Josie, yanking her arm behind the lead singers back with one hand and snagging a handful of hair in the other.  “Take one step towards little ol’ me, and I’ll break her arm!” Veronica shouted.  “Oh give it up!” barked Valerie, her and Melody advancing on Veronica.  “You Archies are dropping like flies!” 

“But, Valerie,” said Melody puzzled.  “How do flies drop?  They have wings, don’t they?” 

“I don’t care!” snapped Veronica.  “None of you rude Pussycats are going to get the better of Miss Veronica Lodge!  My daddy will UGH!” 

Veronica loosened her hold on Josie and sunk down as Alex’s hammer fist blow to the back of her head took effect.  “Your daddy will wake you up, babe!” 

“No!”  The Pussycats and their crew turned to see Archie running from the wings.  His face was scratched, his shirt was torn and his eyes blazed red with fury.  “This is MY show!  Mine!  What I say goes!  And I say this stops right now!” 

“Brother, you got that right!”  Josie jumped to her feet and delivered a right hand to the jaw of Archie, lifting off his feet.  Archie landed with a thud onto the pile of his groaning or unconscious friends. 

“Yay!  We won!  We won!”  cheered Melody.  “Cool it, clueless!” said Alexandra.  “We’re not done yet!” 

“Yeah, sis!” said Alex.  “We can’t just let these guys walk away after all they’ve done to us!” 

“What do you say, Josie?” Alan M.  Josie glared at the Archies with a look of determination.  “I say we make sure that these nobodies never do another show again!” 

“We’re gonna get them cancelled?” 

“No, Melody!  We’re going to kill ‘em!” 

From above Sabrina gasped.  “Kill them?!”  Zelda nodded sadly.  “It’s true, my dear.  The spell sister Hilda used will continue to make the mortal under the hex enraged until their enemy is… ahem… no more.” 

“But there must be a way to stop this!” 

“Well, I did find one,” explained Zelda.  “But the reversal spell just doesn’t make a lick of sense!”  Sabrina glanced down at the stage to see the Pussycats surrounding the Archies with makeshift weapons.  “We don’t have a choice, Zelda!  What’s the spell?”  Zelda wrinkled her brow in thought.  “Let me see, let me see.  Oh!  That’s it! 

The cursed will strain with all their might,

But death won’t only stop the fight. 

When two stars cross that don’t shine bright,

Then all the rest will see the light.” 

Sabrina looked confused.  “That’s it?    Two stars cross?” 

“Yes, dear,” said Zelda.  “I’m afraid it doesn’t help us much.  If only I could remember my astrology.  Maybe then I could think of a pair of stars that aren’t particularly shiny this time of year.” 

Sabrina glanced down at the stage and the wings, then her face lit up with excitement.  “Not shiny, Auntie.  Bright!  I think I know how we can save them!” 

“Really, Sabrina?  But how…” 

“No time to explain, Auntie!”  Sabrina quickly turned to her cat.  “Salem, I need you to make yourself look like Sebastian!  Can you do that?”  Salem purred and nodded, and with a flick of his tail he had transformed himself into Sebastian.  “And now for me to get into the animal act!” Sabrina quickly tugged her ear and, in a flash, had turned into Hot Dog.  Aunt Zelda looked on in confusion.  “Sabrina, I don’t think it’s a good time to practice your conjuring!” 

“Please, Auntie!  I just need you make the real Hot Dog and Sebastian disappear for a few minutes, then be ready to magic us up here when I give the word.”  Zelda sighed and shrugged.  “Whatever you say, dear.  Although I do hope these changes aren’t permanent ones.  I’d prefer to have a niece around the house to a dog.” 

Zelda raised her hands and gestured toward the real Sebastian and Hot Dog.  “Mystical spirits, with all of your might, make them both vanish from hearing and sight!”  In a twinkling the two pets had disappeared. 

“Sebastian!” screamed Alexandra.  She whirled on the Archies.  “What have you done with my cat?!” 

“To heck with your mangy cat!” shouted Jughead.  “What about my Hot Dog?!” 

Suddenly Hot Dog (the disguised Sabrina) bounded out from offstage.  Sabrina charged right into Melody’s legs and knocked her down.  “Ooh!  You naughty, naughty dog!” Melody snarled.  ‘Hot Dog’ barked at Melody and took off running.  “Don’t just stand there, Melody!” yelled Josie.  “Get ‘em!”  Melody nodded and hurried after Hot Dog. 

Meanwhile, Salem disguised as Sebastian transported himself offstage to the still unconscious Moose.  ‘Sebastian’ leapt onto Moose’s head and gave it a swipe with his claws.  Moose instantly jumped into wakefulness.  “Yeow! Hey!  Duh, who did that?”  ‘Sebastian’, still on Moose’s head, looked upside down at the muscular teen and hissed.  “Duuuh, why you…!”  Moose reached towards ‘Sebastian’ but the cat leapt out of the way, causing Moose to hit himself in the face.  He ran after the cat as ‘Sebastian bolted towards the stage.  “Duh come back her, you bad cat!” 

The Archies, the Pussycats, and the still roaring audience looked on as Melody and Moose raced around the stage after their tormentors.  “Now, Salem, now!” Sabrina psychically called out to her cat.  ‘Hot Dog’ and ‘Sebastian’ started running from opposite wings to center stage, Melody and Moose still in hot pursuit.  When the two pets were within inches of each other, Sabrina gave out a bark.  “Now, Auntie!”  The cat and dog disappeared in a flash, and Melody and Moose, still running at full speed, ran straight into each other and collapsed in a heap. 

Sabrina and Salem, still in their disguises appeared on the flylines next to Zelda.  “Nice work, Aunt Zelda!” said Sabrina.  “Thank you, dear,” Zelda replied.  “But I’m not sure what we just did.” 

“Just watch and pray we aren’t too late!” 

Moose groaned and held his head, opening his eyes to see Melody doing the same.  The red light in his eyes seemed to be flickering.  “Duuuuh, hey!  Did you hurt yourself?”  Melody looked up at Moose and gave a weak grin.  “I don’t think so.  Luckily, I landed on my head.  Heeheehee!”  The red light had almost completely disappeared from both teens’ eyes as Moose chuckled.  “Haw haw!  Too bad.  You do have a pretty head!” 

“Oh, thank you!  Heeheehee!” 

As the two continued to laugh and talk, the rest of their bandmates all staggered and clutched their heads.  The red light of the spell had begun to fade away from all of their eyes as well. 

“Oh me!  I think you’ve done it, Sabrina!” said Zelda as Sabrina and Salem returned to normal.  “But… but how did you…?” 

“I just took a guess,” Sabrina grinned looking down on the stage.  “I thought that maybe our ‘two stars that don’t shine bright’ didn’t have to be stars in the sky, but stars on a tv show.  All we needed to do was to get them to ‘cross’.” 

Archie looked around and up at Josie standing over him.  “Uh, what happened?”  Josie glanced at the 2x4 in her hand in confusion.  “Search me!  What am I doing with this?”  Sabrina quickly transported herself to the wings, then walked out onto the stage.  She turned to the audience and smiled.  “Well, we did say there was going to be a ‘battle’ of the bands tonight.  If you ask me, they should stick to music, don’t you?” 

The audience burst out in laughter and applause.  The Archies and Pussycats, along with the real Hot Dog and Sebastian sheepishly walked to the center of the stage to bow.  “Yeah, was some sketch we did,” said Valerie.  “Didn’t we?” 

“Sure, it was!” said Betty.  “It was all just a sketch for the show.  We must’ve gotten carried away.” 

“Yeah,” said Reggie.  “I gotta hand it to you, Pussycats.  You really can pack a punch!” 

“Well, us rockstars would be nothing without our ‘hits’!  Heehee!” 

Josie rolled her eyes and turned to the Archies.  “Sorry if we went a little overboard, guys.”  Jughead waved it off.  “Eh, don’t worry about it.  How about we get some hamburgers after the show to celebrate our er… sketch?”  Archie grinned and turned to the crowd.  “Sure thing, Jug!  But first I think these kids want to hear us play some music!  What do you say, gang?”  Alexandra huffed as the crowd cheered.  “I don’t want to listen to those corny tunes.  I want something to eat now!” 

“Say no more, Alexandra!” Sabrina said, grinning as she tugged her ear.  A pie magically flew out of nowhere and struck Alexandra in the face.  Everyone burst out laughing as Alexandra stood and fumed. 


“Well, on the one hand I’m impressed you found the answer to my spell,” said Hilda, sitting in her living room talking to Sabrina and Zelda after the show was over.  “But on the other hand, I wish you wouldn’t spoil my fun with your do gooding.” 

“Sorry, Aunt Hilda,” Sabrina said firmly.  “I wasn’t going to allow you to hurt my friends.”  Hilda shrugged.  “Oh well.  At least I got to see those teenagers go at it.  Heh heh!  I bet that Funhouse will be cancelled after the networks get a look at what they did to each other!”  Sabrina and Zelda shared a look.  “Actually, Aunt Hilda,” explained Sabrina.  “The networks loved the ‘battle of the bands’.  They thought the ‘sketch’ was funny and they were wild about the concert the Archies and the Pussycats put on after.”  Hilda’s face sank.  “Really?” 

“Mmhmm.  They’re saying it’s going to be the most successful Archie’s Funhouse they’ve put on.”  Sabrina sat on the edge of Hilda’s chair and gave her a hug.  “And it’s all thanks to you.” 


“For using your magic in the first place.”  Sabrina put on her sweetest smile.  “You know, using your powers to help my friends?  That was so…. Nice of you.” 

Zelda stifled a chuckle as Hilda folded her arms grumbling.  “Nice?!  Hmph!  Drat and double drat!” 

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I missed this during its initial run. It's always a shame when clearly this much work is put into something that only gets one vote. Wish I could have added to it.

With that said, I always admire you putting in the extra effort to finish off your stories, Broadway.

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