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Match 19437 Reagan Ridley vs. Nimona

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Reagan Ridley vs Nimona


“Oh and the robes are making me partner.”




“Yeah we’re finally gonna find out everything. No more secrets.”


“OMG my bestie is about to become the most powerful human on Earth! I’m just *sniff sniff* I’m so proud of you bestie! *sniff* Where’s my tissue?” Brett Hand weeped with joy.


“Keep it together Brett, the Robes said they’ll need a week to prepare a special ritual in order to make my joining official. Said something about needing a rare metal that only grows on the shores of the planet OGLE-2014-BLG-0124Lb once every millennia,” Reagan explained as she and Brett took the elevator back to the main floor.


“Uh is planet Ogle far away?” Brett asked.


“It’s about 13,000 light years away Brett. So they should be back by next week,” Reagan surmised.


“Oh and then you’ll be apart of the Robes and help rule over all of mankind?” Brett eagerly asked.


“Well I prefer to think of it as helping mankind not completely destroy itself, but yeah that’s essentially it,” Reagan nodded hearing the elevator ding as they arrived at their floor. “Don’t worry Brett I won’t turn out like my Dad or JR. The last thing I wanna do is turn into some cliche despot who- WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?”


The main floor of Cognito Inc. was literally on fire, most of it’s employees were running scared and panicking, and down the hall Reagan and Brett could hear the sounds of their teammates screaming in fear.


“Well looks like another zany adventure for Team Bregan today, eh boss?” Brett offered with a smile.


“(Groans) Let’s get this over with, this day was already stressful enough,” Reagan pulled out two emergency Ray-guns for them and they headed towards the sounds of their shrieking friends.


“OH MY FUCKING GOD REAGAN! IT WAS HORRIBLE! SO FUCKING HORRIBLE!” Andre freaked out as he held onto Reagan’s leg like a traumatized child.


“What happened? What’s going on here?” Reagan demanded scanning the room for any threats


“Reagan I have seen a shit load of freaky shit over the last few years, so I know what I’m saying when I say that this was the FREAKIEST SHIT EVER!” Exclaimed Gigi as she clung to Reagan’s other leg.


“Can someone please tell me what is going on here?” Reagan asked again.


“Oh god it’s coming back! Somebody kill it! Restrain it! Neuter it! Something!” Myc fearfully pointed a tentacle into the nearby shadows.


“Sweet dolphin Jesus save us from this unholy demon spawn!” Glenn cried out as the figure emerged in front of them.


“Yo what up? You’re Reagan Ridley right?” The figure revealed itself to be a young, pink haired girl.


“Oh my gosh, she’s so cute! I didn’t know it was bring your kid to work day!” Brett cooed and knelt down to the girl’s level. “Hey there little one, my name’s Brett. What’s yours?”


“I’m Nimona. And if you call me cute again, I’ll paint the room with your blood, guts, and entrails, and then drag your soul down to the deepest, darkest, most horrifying parts of Hell itself,” Nimona said in the most serious tone possible.


“…..Reagan I think I wet myself,” Brett Hand whimpered out.


“Okay enough with you traumatizing my team! Now I’m 1 minute away from just blasting your head and calling it a day! You have until that minute is up to convince me otherwise,” Reagan said as she pointed her gun at the girl.


“You wouldn’t hurt a poor, defenseless little girl, would you Reagan?” Nimona put on the cutest face she could.


“Okay 1, you’re clearly not a defenseless little girl so cut the act. 2, I’ve seen Children of the Corn, The Omen, and The Ring so I don’t trust creepy kids on principal. And 3, I just sent my own father to super extra Guantanamo Bay very recently, so my faith in human decency is at an all time low. Now for your sake the next words out of your mouth better be a good reason why I shouldn’t blow your brains out,” Reagan cocked her Ray-Gun for emphasis. 


“Wow you really are a cold bitch aren’t ya? CAN I BE YOUR SIDEKICK?” Nimona excitedly asked.


“I…wait what?” Reagan stammered in confusion.


“YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY PERFECT! You got it all Reagan Ridley! The evil lair, the loyal minions, the unethical technology, and the unfeeling corporate overlord attitude with just enough moral ambiguity to be sympathetic! Please, please, PLEASE let me be your sidekick?” Nimona once more begged.


“I don’t- how would- I- just what the fuck even are you?” Reagan finally managed to ask.


“I’m a shapeshifting eldritch abomination from the dawn of time with a penchant for violence and a need to serve the most evil person alive. What’s so complicated about that?” Nimona asked with a wicked grin.


“Don’t listen to her Reagan! Remember Samara Morgan!” Andre shouted in warning.


“Girl if my experience in public relations has taught me anything it’s to never trust anything that adorable and homicidal!” Gigi yelled also


“Stake it in the heart before it feasts on our internal organs!” Glenn screamed in terror.


“Jeez your minions are kinda buzz kills aren’t they? I can murder them for you if you want?” Nimona snickered gleefully.


“You think I’m evil? Like real evil?” Reagan asked uncertainly.


“Oh yeah! A stone cold killer! An unfeeling sociopath! The most ruthless, megalomanic cunt this world has ever seen! And I fucking love you for it!” Nimona fangirl squealed.


“No! No, no, no, no! I’m not a bad person! I mean sure I’ve worked for shitty people in the past, and maybe I helped them do quote unquote “evil” things but I mean it’s not like I agreed with them,” Reagan insisted.


“Yeah, yeah, you’re a modern day J. Robert Oppenheimer, morality is subjective and blah, blah, blah. C’mon Ridley you don’t gotta make excuses to me. I’m always in favor of killing a bitch,” The shapeshifting girl cackled.


“I’m telling you I’m not an evil person! Right you guys?… Right you guys?” Reagan asked again after her coworkers didn’t reply.


“Oh uh, well you know the Geneva convention was always more of a suggestion than an actual guide to morality right?”


“I mean she doesn’t usually go out of her way to ruin lives right?”


“Guarantee her kill count don’t come close to mine. Though that ain’t saying much.”


“I think you’re a good person Reagan,” Brett offered sincerely.


“Brett shut up. You still think Hans from Frozen is a good guy,” Myc berated the human support animal.


“How can anyone that charming and hot be evil? It doesn’t make sense!” Brett burst into tears.


“Alright thanks you guys. Look the point is I’m not a bad person anymore! I’ve reached the top and now I don’t need do evil shit for evil people. From now on I’m focusing on helping people live better lives,” Reagan firmly explained.


“By secretly controlling their every move and action with the resources of your evil shadowy government. C’mon you’re against free will and government oversight, you’re inherently evil. Embrace it!” Nimona.


“I do not have the time or energy to explain why people are too stupid to rule themselves, all you need to know is that I’m not a villain and I don’t need a sidekick. Now can you please just go!” Reagan pointed at the nearby exit sign.


“You’re seriously gonna turn away a massively competent shapeshifting sidekick whose offering to work for you for free?” Nimona sarcastically asked.


“Yeah I’m not falling into that indentured servant vs slave trap conundrum kid. Nice try,” Reagan insisted.


“Okay then pay me whatever and say I’m an overqualified employee!” The pink haired girl offered.


“Oh hell no! I’m not getting into the child worker drama! Just get out,” Reagan pinched the bridge of her nose.


“But I-“


“Get. Out. Now.”


“(Sighs) for fucks sake, why are people so sensitive about admitting they’re a bad person these days?” Nimona muttered to herself as she walked out of the room.


“I-is she finally gone?” Andre nervously asked.


“Yeah I think so,” Reagan replied.


“Ah in that case: you better run you little brat! I was taking it easy on her before but I was just about to show her whose the big shroom was!” Myc tried to act tough.


“Y-your damn right weird plant thing. I’m a former four star general and I have dealt with far greater threats then a spoiled little girl in need of a spanking,” Glenn also tried flexing himself.


“I’M BACK! You talking about me?” 


Myc and Glenn screamed like girls and hid behind Reagan again.


“Would you just leave already!?” Reagan shouted in frustration.


“C’mon girlboss you know you love me. Let’s just skip the ‘will they/won’t they’ cliche and just embrace each other already,” Nimona insisted.




“Fine, fine, just slow burn this shit like every other comedy since Friends. Whatever,” Nimona sighed as she once again took her leave.


Now is she finally gone?” Gigi asked.


“I just scanned the building, she’s gone. Look can you guys clean this mess up for me? I’m gonna be busy these next few days fine tuning my “Reagan’s Inevitable Takeover” book before I meet with the Robes and-“ Reagan felt around in her pocket and realized her prized book was missing. “Where the FLYING FUCK IS MY FUCKING BOOK?”


“Reagan you don’t think Nimona took it do you?” Brett worriedly asked.


*Ring! Ring!*


“Oh that fucking little shit!” Reagan opened her phone with barely contained rage. “Nimona you shitting cunt! Where the hell are you?”


“Did you check under your desk? Haha did you actually check? Oh Girlboss you’re hilarious!” Nimona cackling voice echoed from Reagan’s phone.


“Listen you demented little fuck, if you took my book you’d better return it to me right fucking now before I track you down and murder you!” Reagan snarled with fury.


“Oh you mean the ‘Reagan’s Inevitable Takeover’ pop up book? Did you write this thing back In kindergarten or something? Cause I mean if you did that’s pretty impressive I’ll admit,” Nimona confessed.


“Nimona I make thousands of people disappear everyday, all of them more powerful and influential than you. You do not want me to fucking find you with my book. Cause I will fucking erase you off the face of the Earth!” Reagan threatened.


“You want it back? Make me your sidekick and I’ll be back in a second,” Nimona offered.


“That’s not fucking happening!” Reagan Ridley roared.


“Too bad, cause you’re not getting your precious book until you do. BYYYEEEE!” Nimona hangs up.


“Uh Reagan, you feeling alright there bestie?” Brett nervously asked as he noticed her eyebrow twitching almost unnaturally.


“Cancel every other mission for the next few days Brett. We have until next week to get my book back before the Robes return and make that crazy bitch Nimona pay for ever trying to fuck with me. Get to work!”




For the Tl/Dr crowd basically Nimona stole Reagan’s book (the MacGuffin for the now cancelled S2 thanks Netflix) and Reagan plus her team must track Nimona down and retrieve her book. Reagan wins if she gets her book back within a week, Nimona wins if she holds onto it or forces Reagan to accept her as her sidekick. Who wins?

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Another good set-up, Pizzaguy. Even though I added Reagan, I've only seen clips of Inside Job so far. Shame it got canceled, because it looked to have real potential. I'm not a huge fan of analytics and the like sports and businesses are going by these days, which is what I think led to Inside Job's cancellation. I wonder if another streaming service could pick it up soon? 

Anyways, as for the match, I haven't seen Nimona, either, but she doesn't look that out of the ordinary for what Reagan encounters on a regular basis. I have a feeling this might go either way, since Reagan may both be capable of getting her book back and willing to bring Nimona into her fold. 

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Match Final Results

Member Ratings:
5.00 - StormChaser
4.40 - Boratz
4.70 - DSkillz

FPA Calculation:
3 Total Votes cast
14.10 Total Combined Score
14.10 / 3 = 4.70 Final Rating on the match

Reagan Ridley: 2
Nimona: 1

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